How To Be
by Fred Passmore
Synopsis: Wishing to be more stronger in his Christian walk, but not willing to do what is necessary, a gullible fellow orders an advertised "Spiritually Fit Kit" from a TV infomercial. When it arrives, he heads over to a friend's house him to invite him to join in the program. Recognizing the futility of try to take a shortcut to spiritual health, the more mature friend advises against it, but stays to witness the predictably painful (and hilarious) results! Picking up the pieces when it's all over, he helps him to see the true path to spiritual growth and health.
Characters: Bill, the one ordering the kit. Leonard, the friend who warns him and then helps him. (Please note: the gender of both or either of the characters may be changed according to your cast or desires. The soundtrack CD also works for either.) NOTE: Change the script slightly to make Leonard be Bill's father to make it fantastic for Father's Day!
Costumes: Casual clothes, with the exception of a pair of large, colorful, fuzzy animal-shaped bedroom slippers for Bill. The more ridiculous looking, the better!
Props: Box with the letters "Spiritually Fit Kit" on the outside, large enough to hold all the props that go inside the kit. (You may print out the sign here.) A boom box, hand-held mirror, iron, plastic police nightstick (can be found at a costume store or a place like Party City), large plastic cross necklace, (also available at the costume store or Party City), manila envelope, CD in case. Bible for Leonard. Box of tissues. Some fake dollar bills.
Setting: A living room. May be as minimal as a card table and a couple of folding chairs.
Music and sound effects: This skit is very dependent on the pre-recorded soundtrack. See the following:
NOTE: Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the background music and effects tracks as listed in the script to enhance your performance. However, the part of the trainer "Miss Fitt" and her recording IS on the soundtrack.
Soundtrack: As always, the specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance of this skit script much funnier, professional, and effective. All of the music and effects called for in this script are on the Combo Package #10 Soundtrack CD, along with the tracks for "The Crate Escape." You may order it now for $20 plus shipping on the Soundtracks Page, or add it to your shopping cart by clicking here: Buy Now
OR: Buy JUST the MP3 files for digital download for only $15. (The physical CD does not come with this option.) Click here to Add to Cart and get the instant download, then burn an audio CD from it!
NEW! Click here to listen to a new feature: a 7 minute Windows Media preview of the entire soundtrack CD, with short clips from each track!
"How To Be Spiritually Fit"
(Begin Cut #13 on the Soundtrack CD, the Musical Skit Intro.)
(Leonard enters the stage. He is coming home from work, so he is tired.)
Leonard: (Tossing his keys on the table and taking off his tie.) Oh, man, what a day. I'm bushed. And I've got Men's Bible Study tonight, too. (Looks at his watch.) Guess I've got time to grab a bite to eat before I go.
(Begin Track #14: Phone rings once. He picks it up and answers it.)
Leonard: Hello? (Pause.) Oh, Hey, Bill. What's up? (Pause.) Well, I'm going to be leaving for Men's Bible Study in about a 20 minutes. Why? (Pause.) You've got something you ordered that you want to show me... (Pause.) Uh, huh. Well, I guess there's time... sure, come on over. The front door's open, just let yourself in. (Pause.) Okay, see you in a few. Bye. (Hangs up.) Wonder what's so urgent? He sounded really hyper about something he'd gotten. Hope it's not another one of his crazy new gizmos. Last time he bought a Combination Salad Shooter and Pooper Scooper. I haven't eaten at his house since.
(He sits down and picks up the TV remote.)
Leonard: Oh, well, guess I'll grab some supper after the meeting. I'll just relax and watch a little TV til he gets here.
(He holds up the remote toward the audience and clicks the TV on.)
(Begin Cut #15 on the Soundtrack CD, the TV sounds.)
(He clicks through a series of commercials, with evident boredom, until he settles on a channel.)
TV Announcer copy:
"Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? Is your walk with God more like a shuffle? Is your hour of prayer more like a minute of meditation? Has your desire to get up and go witness, got up and went? Then you need to get spiritually fit with the worlds most popular spiritual fitness trainer, Miss Fit. Shes made available for the first time anywhere, the Spiritually Fit Kit, yours for the low, low price of $99.95, made in three easy payments of 40.00 a month! Youll feel like a million bucks, just by following the simple directions and the easy to use Spiritually Fit items!"
(Leonard's face shows interest but disbelief.)
Testimonial #1: "Before I ordered the spiritually fit kit I was ignorant and lazy, now I am a spiritual dynamo and the pastor of a large church."
Testimonial #2: "After taking Miss Fitt's Spiritually Fit course, I changed from a 98 lb. weakling for God into a spiritual dynamo. Why, just yesterday, I beat up 5 atheists and a ACLU member!"
Anncr: "Youll be in tip-top spiritual health in one easy lesson, money back guaranteed! So have your credit card ready, and call the number on your screen, 1-800-Mis- Fitt. The number again, 1-800-Mis-Fitt. Call today!"
(With a disgusted and incredulous expression, Leonard clicks the TV off.)
Leonard: Man, that is so ridiculous. What kind of idiot, what kind of moron, what kind of gullible fool would fall for such a stupid thing?
(IMMEDIATELY begin Cut #16 on the Soundtrack CD, Bill's loud and brassy intro music: "Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends." Note: My sound board friend, this must come in the instant he says "stupid thing" to be effective, so don't miss your cue!!!)
(As if in answer to Leonard's hypothetical question, and on the first note of the music, Bill leaps energetically into the room with a box held high in his hands, startling Leonard into standing.)
(Bill marches triumphantly around the living room brandishing the box proudly in his animal slippers, as the short bit of music plays.)
Leonard: (As the music ends.) It's here, it's here, it's finally here!
Bill: What are you talking about?
Bill: (Holding the box out at chest level with a proud grin.) My Spiritually Fit Kit!
Leonard: (Disbelievingly.) What!? Don't tell me you fell for that ridiculous infomercial!
Bill: That's right, now we too can become spiritual Arnold Schwarzeneggers!
Leonard: I'm not sure that's a good thing...
Bill: I brought it over the moment it was delivered, to share with you! Yeah, we can do this program together and save money, maybe split the bill...?
Leonard: You want me to do that? No way... it's stupid!
Bill: (Putting fists on his hips and tapping a foot in a fuzzy slipper.) What do I look like, an idiot?
(Leonard very pointedly looks at Bill's fuzzy slippers.)
Leonard: You don't really want me to answer that, do you?
(Bill follows his gaze and realises with embarrassment that he has inadvertantly warn them over.)
Bill: Oops! I forgot I had them on... I ran right over to share this with you and didn't stop to take them off.
Leonard: You shouldn't just take them off, you should put them out of their misery!
Bill: Look, forget the slippers.
Leonard: I wish I could!
Bill: Getting back to the kit... that you called "stupid." Are you inferring that I'm stupid for ordering it?
Leonard: (Shrugging.) Well, if the shoe fits.. or in this case, the fuzzy slipper.
Bill: I'll have you know I have a very high I.Q. I'm a member of MENSA. If fact, I've willed my brain to science!
Leonard: I think they came for it early!
Bill: Oh, well, I see you don't need anything to help you become more spiritual. You're a already a saint! I'll pack my kit and go home.
Leonard: I never said I didn't need to be more spiritual, just that this kit isn't...
Bill: (Holding up his hands.) No, no, you're a saint!
Leonard: (Humbly.) Well, all believers are saints in the general scriptural sense of the word...
Bill: No, you remind me of one particular saint....
Leonard: (Somewhat pleased.) Really ? Which one?
Bill: (Snaps.) Bernard! (He heads toward the door.)
Leonard: (Going after him.) Look Bill, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say you were stupid. It's just that I know this kit you ordered is going to be a waste of time and money. You'd be much better off reading your Bible and studying it with others.
Bill: But I don't have the time! That's the whole point of this, to be a time-saver.
Leonard: I can see I'm not making an impression. I tell you what, you go ahead and begin the program, and I'll sit over here and watch to see how it works with you before I try it.
Bill: So, this is a challenge, then? Your old-fashioned, sloooow-motion way of doing it, against my modern, high-speed method?
Leonard: Well, I don't know if I'd put it that way, but...
Bill: Then I accept! You sit over there, "read your Bible" or whatever, and I'll plug into the power with my Spiritually Fit Kit, and when it's all over we'll see who's in better shape.
Leonard: Okay, it's a deal. Have at it!
(Bill places the box on the table and opens it to look inside, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.)
Bill: Look at all this cool stuff!
(He reaches in and removes a CD.)
Bill: (Reading the label.) "Miss Fitt's Spiritual Fitness Audio Training Program." (To Leonard.) Listen to this: (Reads back of CD: click here to print out and put on a card to put in the prop CD case.) "Beef up your inward man with this ground-breaking program for building faith, character and spiritual strength. Through the power of positive thinking, reinforced with a series of Biblically-inspired training activities, you will become the Christian you have always wanted to be!" (To Leonard.) Sounds like a plan!
Leonard: (Dryly.) Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Bill: You are such a negative thinker! (Indicating CD player on table.) Do you mind if I use your boom box for this?
Leonard: Sure... why not? (He pulls up a chair off to one side and sits down in it with crossed arms.) This oughtta be good.
Bill: (As he puts in the CD.) When this is over, I'm going to be a "Miss Fitt" Christian!
Leonard: (With a cynical laugh.) I don't doubt it. (He picks up his Bible and opens it to read, but looks back up at Bill occasionally as things get interesting.)
(Begin Track #17 on the CD: Miss Fit's Program. This one sequence runs nearly seven minutes, and Miss Fitt's dialog is on the soundtrack. Bill listens anxiously and nods frequently.)
Miss Fit: (On the audio track.) Hello there, this is Miss Fitt, your trainer and guide to spiritual fitness!
Bill: (Lifting a hand to wave to the CD player.) Hi!
Miss Fit: Welcome to the beginning of a new way of life. One of dynamic and powerful living for God.
Before we start, let me tell you something very important; the money back guarantee if complete satisfaction is only good if you follow all my instructions to the letter, in conjunction with the proper and consistent use of the items included in your Spiritually Fit Kit. Now, lets begin, shall we?
Bill: (Giving an enthusiastic thumbs up.) Ready!
Miss Fit: First, we have to let everyone know that we are Christians. Too many believers hide their light under a bushel, but I have developed a little something to help you shine your light for Jesus. Please look in your Spiritually Fit Kit for the item marked #1.
(Bill takes out a large plastic cross on a string, with a label on it marked #1. He looks at it a little doubtfully.)
Miss Fit: This little item will show you that you are a shining beacon in a dark world. Everyone that you see that you are a Christian! Come on now, you're not ashamed of Jesus, are you?
(Bill shakes his head "no," and puts on the large cross, hanging it about his neck.)
Miss Fit: Wonderful! Now do the Miss Fitt Victory Dance, and sing along!
Bill: (Excitedly.) I saw her do that on TV!
(He begins a goofy dance as he sings along with the soundtrack.)
Miss Fit: "This little light of mine, Im gonna let it shine, this little light of mine Im gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."
(Bill finishes the dance with arms raised in a victory stance, grinning and a little out of breath.)
Miss Fit: Oh, thats so good, now everyone you see will know that you are different somehow.
(Bill makes a rueful face and nods, as he acknowledges that they probably will! Leonard just shakes his head.)
Miss Fit: Would you want to live in a run down delapidated old shack? Well, neither does the Holy Spirit, so weve got to start getting that body of yours brought under subjection and in better shape.
(Bill pinches the extra fat around his waist and sadly nods.)
Miss Fit: Next, we'll pump some iron. Pumping iron is a great self discipline... Take out item Number Two!
(Bill reaches into the box and brings out an iron, holding it up and looking at it askance. He mimes plugging it in under the table.)
Miss Fit: Now, lets lift it up over our head in a arc and pump it 20 times. And begin! 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14...
(As Bill hefts the iron repeatedly, he is tiring quickly and trying to keep up.)
Miss Fit: ...Keep it up! 12, 11, 10, 9, 8... Go for the burn!
(Bill accidentally touches the iron to his cheek as he brings it down, coinciding with the "burning hiss" sound on the soundtrack!)
Bill: (Yelling, as she continues the countdown.) I'm burning, I'm burning!
Miss Fit: ...6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1! Excellent! Were already starting to fill more fit, arent we?
Bill: (Holding his neck.) I'm starting to feel a big blister right here!
Miss Fit: Now youre on the road to spiritual fitness.
Bill: I'm on the road to the burn unit, that's where I'm on the road to... (He puts the iron down on the table.)
Miss Fit: Now that your mind is open and clear, well begin the mental disciplines.
Bill: Oh, this will be easy.
Miss Fit: The Bible says, As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. If you want to be spiritually fit youve got to bring every thought under subjection. Now go over to your Spiritually Fit Kit and take out item # 3.
(Bill puts down the iron on the table and reaches back into the box, bringing out a hand-held mirror, with the #3 tag hanging off of it. He looks at it, confused.)
Miss Fit: Look at yourself in the mirror... what do you see?
(Looking into it, he sees something in his teeth and begins to pick it out.)
Bill: I see a piece of spinach in my teeth!
Miss Fit: You see a pathetic loser, dont you?
(Bill does a double-take into the mirror with concern on his face.)
Miss Fit: You see a person with low self esteem...
(He pulls a face at himself.)
Miss Fit: ...A person with no personality, and you feel lazy, lazier than a hound dog on valium!
(He lolls his tongue out the side of his mouth and weaves his head as if about to fall asleep.)
Miss Fit: Well, its time to change, you lazy loser! Now repeat after me: I am a good person...
Bill: I am a good person.
Miss Fit: I am good looking...
Bill: (Admiring himself in the mirror.) I am good looking!
Miss Fit: I am somebody!
Bill: (Enthusiastically.) I am somebody!
Miss Fit: Again!
Bill: (Getting into this part.) I am somebody! Oh, yeah... I am soooooomebody! (Keeps on talking himself up as Miss Fitt on the CD tries to interrupt him.)
Miss Fit: Ah... thats good...thats... thats... thats enough....
Bill: (Posing and strutting as he looks in the mirror, he breaks into a dance move.) I am da bomb! We bad... uh, huh, we bad...
Miss Fit:: (Shouting, she stops him.) Thats enough, you moron!
(Bill stops, shocked and embarrassed as he realises what she is saying.)
Miss Fit: (Recovering.) Now that we have a positive self image, and confidence, we can move to the next step in spiritual fitness. Take out item # 4.
(Shrugging, Bill puts down the mirror and goes to the box. He takes out a manila envelope with the #4 tag hanging from it. He looks down at it as he holds it in front of him so that the audience can see the large letters of the address on the front. It says:
To: Miss Fitt
12827 Millionaires Row
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
You may click here to have a page to print out and tape on the envelope front.)
Miss Fit: (Continuing.) This is a exercise in charity. Take all of your money out and put it into the envelope.
(Bill's face drops and his eyebrows knit in a sorrowful expression as he takes some bills out of his pocket and puts them in the envelope as she continues speaking. He makes a show of licking the flap and sealing it, then dropping it into the box, waving goodbye to it as he does.)
Miss Fit: (Speaking as he does all this.) You cant be greedy and spiritually fit at the same time, now seal the envelope and drop it in the mail to me, Miss Fitt, first thing in the morning. Now, didnt that feel like a big step toward spiritual fitness.
Bill: (Sobbing.) If felt like a big step toward bankruptcy court!
Miss Fit: Next, one key to spiritual fitness is to witness, so lets practice.
(Bill looks relieved.)
Miss Fit: Smile!
(Bill displays an enormous, frozen grin and turns toward Leonard with it, who appears disturbed by it.)
(Note: the next series of actions goes quickly. No time to wait around to do them!)
Miss Fit: Shake the hand of the person nearest you!
(Bill goes over and grabs Leonard's hand and begins shaking it fiercely.)
Miss Fit:: Pat someone on the back!
(Bill, still displaying the frozen grin, and still shaking his hand, whacks Leonard a couple of times on the back.)
Miss Fit: Hug someone!
(Bill, still shaking his hand, puts his other arm around Leonard and squeezes him in a hug, which Leonard, with a grimace on his face, tolerates with a pat or two to humor him.)
Miss Fit: Give someone a holy kiss!
(At this, both of them jerk their head around to look at each other in horror, and a beat later they quickly separate, with Leonard shoving him away! Bill moves quickly away as if he wants no part of it either, and both swing their arms and puff their chests out as if trying to re-assert their manliness.)
Miss Fit: Next on the agenda, take out item # 5.
(Bill goes back to the box and lifts out the next item: a nightstick with the number 5 label attached by a string. He holds it up in front of his face and looks at it in fear as she continues to speak.)
Miss Fit: I call this part of the program "no pain, no gain!" Pain and suffering are our friends!
Bill: (Still looking at the nightstick.) With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Miss Fit: They help us to overcome temptation by focusing us on God, instead of the object of our desire. Ive give you an example... remember that big hot fudge sundae you saw in the restuarant last night?
(A light comes on in Bill's eyes as he reflects back, looking up and picturing it with a dreamy grin and broadly licking his lips.)
Miss Fit: It was a huge triple scoop of french vanilla ice cream on chocolate fudge cake, drizzled all over with hot chocolate sauce, and topped with chopped peanuts and a bright red cherry?
(He is nodding as if hypnotised when Miss Fitt lays on him the next sudden command, which he obeys instantly without thinking:)
Miss Fit: Well, hit yourself in the head for that!
(BAP! He whacks the side of his head and reacts as if someone else did it, looking dazed and staggering!)
Miss Fit: Come on, harder than that...
(BAP! He does it again, harder! Leonard stands up and watches in concern and disbelief.)
(Staggering and wincing, Bill pauses as Miss Fitt continues, then repeatedly whacks himself in the face, first one side and then the other, back and forth, as Miss Fitt is degrading him! A total of six consecutive whacks to coincide with each adjective below!)
Miss Fit: Now keep doing it, you glutton, you hippo, you big, fat, calorie craving, blimp!
(Bill is barely standing as she finishes, reeling from side to side, as Leonard sits down again, shaking his head.)
Miss Fit: Now, dont think about dessert any more or youll get more of the same!
Bill: (Raising his arms and waving his hands back and forth, as he shakes his head.) Huh, uh!
Miss Fit: See how it works? Youve totally forgotten about food, havent you?
Bill: (Putting a hand to his head with a puzzled expression.) Forgotten about what?
Miss Fit: Now for our final step in spiritual fitness. The sin of pride keeps Christians from being effective, but youve got to be willing to look foolish in the eyes of the world.
(Bill looks up worriedly and mouths the word silently: Foolish?)
Miss Fit: This discipline is designed to remove that pride. Now crawl on your hands and knees and bark like a dog!
(Shrugging, as if to resignedly say, "whatever," he drops to his hands and knees and begins to do exactly what she tells him to as she delivers the lines!)
Miss Fit: Bark, Fido, Bark!
Miss Fit: Sit up and beg!
Miss Fit: Now kick like a mule! Yee haw, yee haw!
Miss Fit: Alright youve earned a rest, take a little while to relax.
(Exhausted after all this activity, he wobbles over to Leonard and puts his hands together in supplication to use his chair. Leonard gets up and gestures for him to take it, and he collapses into it with a tired smile until he hears the next line:)
Miss Fit: Alright, now that youve rested...
(He looks pitiful and befuddled at her short resting time, but jumps up anyway.)
Miss Fit: Lets take a brief review of all the elements weve learned today...
Bill: (Distressed, as he looks at Leonard.) A review?!?!
Miss Fit: (Continuing.) ...as we go over them in order, be sure to keep up and do them all! Lets go!
(Bill leaps into action, trying to keep up by doing each thing in an abbreviated, comically exasperated fashion. The actor should have fun and throw himself into this, the high-speed comedic climax of the script!)
Miss Fit: (Rapid fire.) Pump iron, 1,2! 1, 2!
(Bill grabs the iron and hefts it quickly a couple of times.)
Miss Fit: Kick yourself!
(Still lifting the iron, he kicks backward with one leg to try and kick himself!)
Miss Fit: Bark like a dog!
(Jumping up and down to kick himself, while pumping the iron, he barks like a dog!)
Miss Fit: Kick like a mule!
(He drops the iron, does a handstand and kicks his feet up in the back!)
Miss Fit: Hit yourself in the head with the club!
(He grabs the nightstick with the other hand and hits himself in the head several times in time with the seven rapid "face hit" sound effects on the soundtrack!)
Miss Fit: Now do all of this every day, and you will be spiritually fit! So go to it, and knock yourself out!
(Coinciding with the sound effect of two WHAPS! on the soundtrack-- he hits himself in the head with the nightstick, and falls backward, feet flailing up in the air as he literally knocks himself out!)
(Leonard has come over, concerned at the damage Bill may have done to himself, and looks down at Bill's prone form.)
Leonard: Bill! Are you okay?
(Suddenly, Bill sits upright, an angry expression carved into his face. Leonard backs up fearfully at this, and Bill gets up, rage expressed in his entire body. His back is hunched, his fingers clenching and unclenching, his face in a grimace.)
Bill: (Screaming.) I can't take this anymore!!!!
(Coinciding with the "dangerous frenzy" music on the soundtrack, he raises the nightstick he still holds, and begins SMASHING the items on the table! The boombox, the iron, the mirror, it is all being bashed as we hear the sounds of destruction on the track. Even Miss Fitt is screaming as he attacks the CD player!)
Leonard: Bill, stop it! Control yourself!
(Bill turns on Leonard as he tries to grab him, flailing away at him with the nightstick in his blind rage, as Leonard retreats with arms raised to protect himself! Bill turns back to the table for several more blows as the music comes to an end. The sound of sparking electricity is heard as he surveys the damage, breathing heavily.)
Leonard: Bill, settle down! Are you nuts? Are you crazy? You're freakin' me out here!
(Bill, wild-eyed and disheveled, looks around as he recovers from his fit. Then he begins to sob as it hits him, and dropping the nightstick, he turns to Leonard, putting his head on his shoulder and crying. Leonard tries to console him, putting his arms around him and patting his back as a mother would.)
Leonard: There, there, it's alright now. It's over, it's all over. Nothing to cry about.
Bill: (Out of breath.) I'm sorry, I just lost it there for a minute... I mean, I just couldn't take the thought of having to do all that to make God happy with me. I just kind of snapped! (He stands up straighter and sniffs, as he tries to bring his emotion under control.)
(Leonard hands Bill a tissue from a box on the table and he honks his nose in it loudly.)
Bill: Oh, man... look at this mess... I totally destroyed your boombox.
Leonard: Yeah, and you nearly destroyed yourself in the process!
Bill: If this is what it takes to be spiritually fit, I just can't do it. I just don't have it in me!
Leonard: Well... maybe this crazy kit has done some good after all!
Leonard: You've finally come to the place where you realise you can't live the Christian life in your own strength.
Bill: But... we're supposed to be strong, active Christians! You work for the Lord all the time!
Leonard: Because I lean on the Lord. You see, Christianity is more than works. People try to accomplish spirituality by outward motion and effort. But the Bible says, "Bodily exercise profiteth little." Do you understand what the means?
Bill: (Rubbing a sore muscle.) I think I'm beginning to...
Leonard: It means we can't achieve spiritual health through physical strength or outward activity. It's an inner condition that can only be achieved through a relationship with the Lord, and growing daily by taking in his Word. Then, and only then, will our physical labors bear fruit. You've got it backwards!
Bill: So you're telling me that all my efforts mean nothing?
Leonard: If they are done in your own strength, yes. Jesus said, "Without Me, you can do nothing." We must abide in Him, and depend on His strength to help us accomplish His will. Here, look at this...
(He opens his Bible to the pre-printed Scriptures card and reads 2 Cor:12:9.)
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Bill: So, it's saying, that when I know I'm weak, and lean on Him, then I can have His strength?
Leonard: Exactly! Listen, there's more in the next verse: "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
Bill: Well, I have no trouble admitting I'm weak. I know it now. I am weak! I am pathetic!
Leonard: Yes, you are. (Bill shoots him a hurt look and he hurriedly adds:) Uh, we all are, without God's help! But we don't have to be limited by our weakness. Look over here in Phil:4:13... (Flips to the next card.) "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Bill: That's what I've been missing! I thought I had to do it all myself to make God happy, and to be in spiritual shape.
Leonard: Here's one I love and depend on...Eph:6:10: (Turns page and reads from card.) "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might." You see, a daily discipline of prayer and Bible reading will get you on the true road to spiritual fitness.
Bill: That's what I want. I think I need to learn some more about all this. Would you mind if I went to the Men's Bible study with you?
Leonard: (With a relieved laugh, he puts a hand on Bill's shoulder.) I was hoping you'd ask me! Let's go.
Bill: First, let me clean up this mess and put everything back in the box. (He begins putting all the elements back into it.)
I can't get a refund since I couldn't follow all the directions to the letter. Maybe I can sell it on ebay or something...
Leonard: (Firmly, as he helps.) Oh, no, this belongs in the trash can. We'll put it in the dumpster on the way out.
Bill: I guess you're right... Let me get my money out of here... (Takes it out of the envelope.)
Leonard: Yeah, you don't want to mail that off, you'll need it.
Bill: Man, I'm really sorry about your boom box. Look, I'll replace it for you.
Leonard: Just forget it, that's not neccessary.
Bill: No, I insist! And it will be even better... I'll get you one with a six CD tray with automatic changer, huge detachable speakers, remote control....
Leonard: Bill, you don't have to do that. Besides, that would too expensive.
Bill: (Confidently.) Not to worry; very soon, money is going to be no object!
Leonard: (Dubiously.) How so?
Bill: (Smiling and rubbing his hands together greedily.) I've ordered a new book and tape series that is going to make me rich!
Leonard: (Tiredly.) Oh, no...
Bill: Wait til you hear the title... (Spreads his hands as if picturing the words on a huge sign, he grins.) "Preaching the Gospel For Fun and Profit!"
(Leonard is standing with his mouth hanging open in disbelief.)
Bill: (Grinning broadly, he waits for his reaction.) So, what do you think?
Leonard: I think... (Speeds up voice and begins yelling.) ...you had better get yourself to the men's Bible study! Let's go! (Points angrily toward the door.)
(Begin Track #18, the Outro Music!)
(Bill reacts with alarm at the shouting and heads double-time out the door as Leonard marches him like a drill sargeant.)
Leonard: Move it, move it, move it! (Continues to shout in his face as he runs beside him pointing, and they exit to the music!) Hup, two! Hup, two! Hup, two!
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