(The All-Female Cast Mother's Day Version of "How To Be Spiritually Fit")
by Fred Passmore
(UPDATED WITH MINOR COPY CHANGE AND SOUNDTRACK RE-RECORDING ON 2-2007.)
Synopsis: Wishing to get something "religious" for her Mama for Mother's Day, a well-intentioned, but misled young lady orders an advertised do-it-yourself Christian self-improvement program from a TV infomercial. When it arrives, she heads over to her mother's house to give it to her. Recognizing the futility of trying to take such a shortcut to spiritual health, the mother declines to try it, but her daughter demonstrates it for her, with predictably painful (and hilarious) results! Picking up the pieces when it's all over, she helps her girl to see the true path to spiritual growth and health.
NOTE: This version changes the part of Louie to Louise, to use if you have an all-female cast.
Characters: Louise, the daughter ordering the kit, who is 30-something. Mama, who warns her and then helps her, in her 60's. (These are the same characters from the script "Mama's Close Call" all-female version of the script.)
Costumes: Casual clothes for Louise, a housecoat for Mama and a pair of large, colorful, fuzzy animal-shaped house slippers. The more ridiculous looking, the better!
Props: Box with the letters "Spiritually Fit Kit" on the outside, large enough to hold all the props that go inside the kit. (You may print out the sign here.) A boom box, hand-held mirror, iron, plastic police nightstick (can be found at a costume store or a place like Party City), large plastic cross necklace, (also available at the costume store or Party City, or you could cut one out of white foam core board), manila envelope, CD in case. Bible for Mom. Box of tissues. Some fake dollar bills. TV remote. A laundry basket with some towels in it.
Setting: A living room, with a comfy chair, table and lamp, card or dining table. May be as minimal as a card table and a couple of folding chairs.
NOTE: Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the background music and effects tracks as listed in the script to enhance your performance.
Soundtrack: As always, the specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance of this skit script much funnier, professional, and effective. All of the music and effects called for in this script are on the Combo Package #10 Soundtrack CD, along with the tracks for "The Crate Escape." (It is the same as the original version of the script, "How To Be Spiritually Fit.") You may order it now for $20 plus shipping on the Soundtracks Page, or add it to your shopping cart by clicking here. The CD comes with a free MP3 download to use till the CD arrives.
OR: Buy JUST the MP3 files for digital download for only $15. (The physical CD does not come with this option.) Click here to Add to Cart and get the instant download, then burn an audio CD from it!
NEW! Click here to listen to a new feature: a 7 minute Windows Media preview of the entire soundtrack CD, with short clips from each track!
by Fred Passmore
(Begin Cut #13 on the Soundtrack CD, the Musical Skit Intro.)
(Mama enters the stage carrying a basket of laundry to fold. She is wearing a housecoat and a pair of huge fuzzy slippers.)
Mama: (Setting down the basket in front of her chair and sitting down.) I declare, from the laundry I have to do, you'd think there were two people living here instead of just little old me. (She takes out a towel and begins to fold it.)
(Begin Track #14: Phone rings once. She picks it up and answers it.)
Mama: Hello? (Pause.) Oh, Hey, Louise. What's up, sweetie? (Pause.) You've got a surprise for me? It's not like your last surprise, I hope. Sure, I'd love the company, come on over. The front door's open, just let yourself in. (Pause.) Okay, see you in a few, hon. Bye. (Hangs up.) Wonder what's so urgent? Little Louise sounded really hyper about something she'd gotten for me. Hope it's not another one of her crazy new kitchen gizmos. Last time she bought me a Combination Salad Shooter and Pooper Scooper. Just once I wish she'd get me something useful. (Looking ruefully at the clothes to be folded.) Like a maid!
(She reaches over and picks up the TV remote.)
Mom: Guess I'll watch a little TV while I fold the towels.
(She holds up the remote toward the audience and clicks the TV on.)
(Begin Cut #15 on the Soundtrack CD, the TV sounds.)
(She clicks through a series of commercials, with evident boredom, until she settles on a channel and begins folding the towels on her lap.)
TV Announcer copy:
"Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? Is your walk with God more like a shuffle? Is your hour of prayer more like a minute of meditation? Has your desire to get up and go witness, got up and went? Then you need to get spiritually fit with the worlds most popular spiritual fitness trainer, Miss Fit. Shes made available for the first time anywhere, the Spiritually Fit Kit, yours for the low, low price of $99.95, made in three easy payments of 40.00 a month! Youll feel like a million bucks, just by following the simple directions and the easy to use Spiritually Fit items!"
(Mama's face shows interest but disbelief.)
Testimonial #1: "Before I ordered the spiritually fit kit I was ignorant and lazy, now I am a spiritual dynamo and the pastor of a large church."
Testimonial #2: "After taking Miss Fitt's Spiritually Fit course, I changed from a 98 lb. weakling for God into a spiritual dynamo. Why, just yesterday, I beat up 5 atheists and a ACLU member!"
Anncr: "Youll be in tip-top spiritual health in one easy lesson, money back guaranteed! So have your credit card ready, and call the number on your screen, 1-800-Mis- Fitt. The number again, 1-800-Mis-Fitt. Call today!"
(With a disgusted and incredulous expression, Mom clicks the TV off.)
Mama: Heavens, that is so ridiculous. What kind of idiot, what kind of moron, what kind of gullible fool would fall for such a stupid thing?
(IMMEDIATELY begin Cut #16 on the Soundtrack CD, Louise's loud and brassy intro music: "Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends." Note: My sound board friend, this must come in the instant she says "stupid thing" to be effective, so don't miss your cue!!!)
(As if in answer to Mama's hypothetical question, and on the first note of the music, Louise leaps energetically into the room with a box held high in her hands, startling her mother into standing and tossing the towels in her lap everywhere!)
(Louise marches triumphantly around the living room brandishing the box proudly, as the short bit of music plays.)
Louise: (As the music ends.) It's here, it's here, it's finally here!
Mama: What are you talking about?
Louise: (Holding the box out with a proud grin.) The Spiritually Fit Kit I bought for you! Happy Mother's Day, Mama!
Mama: (Disbelievingly.) What!? Louise, don't tell me you fell for that ridiculous infomercial!
Louie: (Not really hearing her.) That's right, now you too can become a spiritual Richard Simmons!
Mama: I'm not sure that's a good thing...
Louise: I brought it over the moment it was delivered, to give it to you! (She hands it to her.)
Mama: (Looking at it dubiously.) You shouldn't have.
Louise: No trouble! I couldn't wait til Sunday.
Mama: (Firmly.) No, really, I mean it... you shouldn't have. I hope you still have the receipt for this silly kit. (She hands the box back to her.)
Louise: (Hurt.) Silly? But Mama! You're always reading your dog-eared old Bible and I thought you could use something new!
Mama: Then why not buy me a new Bible?
Louise: Because you're always so busy, I thought this could save you some effort!
Mama: If you really wanted to save me some effort, you'd get me maid service! (She gathers the towels she had dropped and sits down to begin folding them again.)
Louise: Mama, please, just give the kit a try!
Mama: Try that waste of money? (Tapping a foot in a fuzzy slipper.) What do I look like, an idiot?
(Louise very pointedly looks at her fuzzy slippers.)
Louise: You don't really want me to answer that, do you, Mama?
(Mama follows her gaze and lifts a foot in the fuzzy slippers.)
Mama: Never mind about my houseshoes, they were a present from your brother Larry. Besides, if I have company I take them off.
Louise: You shouldn't just take them off, you should put them out of their misery!
Mama: Look, Louie, forget the slippers.
Louise: I wish I could!
Mama: I'm not the one who lost their money on some stupid time-wasting kit! I declare, Louise, sometimes you don't have the sense God gave a chicken.
Louise: (Indignantly.) You of all people should know I have a very high I.Q. I've recently become a member of MENSA. If fact, I've willed my brain to science!
Mama: Sweetie, I think they came for it early!
Louise: (Depressed.) Thanks, Mama, that's really helpful to my self-confidence. (Picks up the box and begins to leave in a downcast mood.) Guess I'll just take this and use it myself. I could do with a little help in my spiritual life. Church just seems like such a drag any more, maybe this will make me a better Christian without all those hours of Sunday School.
(Standing and going over to Louiae, Mama puts an arm around her shoulder.)
Mama: Look, honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were dumb or even thoughtless. I know you were trying, and I appreciate the thought. It's just that I know this kit you ordered is not the way to go about it. You'd be much better off spending that time reading the Bible and studying it with others.
Louise: But I don't have the time! That's the whole point of this, to be a time-saver. I thought we could get spiritually fit together! You know, some of the quality mother-daughter time you talk about.
Mama: (Sighing.) I can see I'm not making an impression. Sweetie, you're old enough to have learned by now that you'd be better off listening to your old mother. After all, Mama knows best!
Louise: Mama, please. I think I'm a bit too old to be lectured by you on how to live my life.
Mama: We're never too old to learn from those more experienced and mature than us. (Seeing her yawning, she throws her hands up in surrender.) Okay, I tell you what... you go ahead and demonstrate the program, and I'll sit over here and watch how it works with you before I try it. Then we'll see.
Louise: (Perking up.) So, this is a challenge, then? Your old-fashioned, sloooow-motion way of doing it, against my modern, high-speed method?
Mama: Well, I don't know if I'd put it that way, but...
Louise: Then I accept! You sit over there, "read your Bible" or whatever, and I'll plug into the power with my Spiritually Fit Kit, and when it's all over we'll see who's in better shape. Then I bet you'll listen to me and get into it!
Mama: Okay, it's a deal. Have at it!
(Louise places the box on the table and opens it to look inside, rubbing her hands together in anticipation.)
Louise: Look at all this cool stuff!
(She reaches in and removes a CD.)
Louise: (Reading the label.) "Miss Fitt's Spiritual Fitness Audio Training Program." (To Mama.) Listen to this: (Reads back of CD: click here to print out and put on a card to put in the prop CD case.) "Beef up your inner self with this ground-breaking program for building faith, character and spiritual strength. Through the power of positive thinking, reinforced with a series of Biblically-inspired training activities, you will become the Christian you have always wanted to be!" (To Mama.) Sounds like a plan!
Mama: (Dryly.) Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Louise: Mama, why are you always so negative? Positive thinking is the key to success.
Mama: All right, I'm positive this is going to end in tears.
Louise: (Indicating CD player on table.) Do you mind if I use your CD player for this? The one I bought you last Christmas?
Mama: And for which you continually remind me? Sure... be my guest. (She pulls up a chair off to one side and sits down in it with crossed arms.) This oughtta be good. I almost don't mind missing my soap!
Louise: (As she puts in the CD.) When this is over, I'm going to be a "Miss Fitt" Christian!
Mama: (With a cynical laugh.) Hah! I don't doubt it. (She picks up her Bible and opens it to read, but looks back up at Louie occasionally as things get interesting.)
(Begin Track #17 on the CD: Miss Fitt's Program. This one sequence runs nearly seven minutes. Louise listens anxiously and nods frequently.)
Miss Fit: Hello there, this is Miss Fitt, your trainer and guide to spiritual fitness!
Louise: (Lifting a hand to wave to the CD player.) Hi!
Miss Fit: Welcome to the beginning of a new way of life. One of dynamic and powerful living for God.
Before we start, let me tell you something very important; the money back guarantee if complete satisfaction is only good if you follow all my instructions to the letter, in conjunction with the proper and consistent use of the items included in your Spiritually Fit Kit. Now, lets begin, shall we?
Louise: (Giving an enthusiastic thumbs up.) Ready!
Miss Fit: First, we have to let everyone know that we are Christians. Too many believers hide their light under a bushel, but I have developed a little something to help you shine your light for Jesus. Please look in your Spiritually Fit Kit for the item marked #1.
(Louise takes out a large plastic cross on a string, with a label on it marked #1. She looks at it a little doubtfully.)
Miss Fit: This little item will show you that you are a shining beacon in a dark world. Everyone that you see that you are a Christian! Come on now, you're not ashamed of Jesus, are you?
(Louise shakes her head "no," and puts on the large cross, hanging it about her neck.)
Miss Fit: Wonderful! Now do the Miss Fitt Victory Dance, and sing along!
Louise: (Excitedly.) I saw her do that on TV!
(She begins a goofy dance as she sings along with the soundtrack.)
Miss Fit: "This little light of mine, Im gonna let it shine, this little light of mine Im gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."
(Louise finishes the dance with arms raised in a victory stance, grinning and a little out of breath.)
Miss Fit: Oh, thats so good, now everyone you see will know that you are different somehow.
(Louise makes a rueful face and nods, as she acknowledges that they probably will! Mama just shakes her head.)
Miss Fit: Would you want to live in a run down dilapidated old shack? Well, neither does the Holy Spirit, so weve got to start getting that body of yours brought under subjection and in better shape.
(Louise pinches the extra fat around her waist and sadly nods.)
Miss Fit: Next, we'll pump some iron. Pumping iron is a great self discipline... Take out item Number Two!
(Louise reaches into the box and brings out an iron, holding it up and looking at it askance. She mimes plugging it in under the table.)
Miss Fit: Now, lets lift it up over our head in a arc and pump it 20 times. And begin! 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14...
(As Louise hefts the iron repeatedly, she is tiring quickly and trying to keep up.)
Miss Fit: ...Keep it up! 12, 11, 10, 9, 8... Go for the burn!
(Louise accidentally touches the iron to her cheek as she brings it down, coinciding with the "burning hiss" sound on the soundtrack!)
Louise: (Yelling, as Miss Fitt continues the countdown.) I'm burning, I'm burning!
Miss Fit: ...6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1! Excellent! Were already starting to fill more fit, arent we?
Louise: (Holding her neck.) I'm starting to feel a big blister right here!
Miss Fit: Now youre on the road to spiritual fitness.
Louise: I'm on the road to the burn unit, that's where I'm on the road to... (She puts the iron down on the table.)
Miss Fit: Now that your mind is open and clear, well begin the mental disciplines.
Louise: Oh, this will be easy.
Miss Fit: The Bible says, As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. If you want to be spiritually fit youve got to bring every thought under subjection. Now go over to your Spiritually Fit Kit and take out item # 3.
(Louise puts down the iron on the table and reaches back into the box, bringing out a hand-held mirror, with the #3 tag hanging off of it. She looks at it, confused.)
Miss Fit: Look at yourself in the mirror... what do you see?
(Looking into it, she sees something in her teeth and begins to pick it out.)
Louise: I see a piece of spinach in my teeth!
Miss Fit: You see a pathetic loser, dont you?
(Louise does a double-take into the mirror with concern on her face. Mama stifles a laugh.)
Miss Fit: You see a person with low self esteem...
(She pulls a face at herself.)
Miss Fit: ...A person with no personality, and you feel lazy, lazier than a hound dog on valium!
(She lolls her tongue out the side of her mouth and weaves her head as if about to fall asleep.)
Miss Fit: Well, its time to change, you lazy loser! Now repeat after me: I am a good person...
Louise: I am a good person.
Miss Fit: I am good looking...
Louise: (Admiring herself in the mirror.) I am good looking!
(Mama rolls her eyes.)
Miss Fit: I am somebody!
Louise: (Enthusiastically.) I am somebody!
Miss Fit: Again!
Louise: (Getting into this part.) I am somebody! Oh, yeah... I am soooooomebody! (Keeps on talking herself up as Miss Fitt on the CD tries to interrupt her.)
Miss Fit: Ah... thats good...thats... thats... thats enough....
Louise: (Posing and strutting as she looks in the mirror, she breaks into a dance move.) I am da bomb! We bad... uh, huh, we bad...
Miss Fit:: (Shouting, she stops her.) Thats enough, you moron!
(Louise stops, shocked and embarrassed as she realises what Miss Fitt is saying. She looks at Mama, who just shrugs with a smile.)
Miss Fit: (Recovering.) Now that we have a positive self image, and confidence, we can move to the next step in spiritual fitness. Take out item # 4.
(Shrugging, Louise puts down the mirror and goes to the box. She takes out a manila envelope with the #4 tag hanging from it. She looks down at it as she holds it in front of her so that the audience can see the large letters of the address on the front. It says:
To: Miss Fitt
12827 Millionaires Row
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
You may click here to have a page to print out and tape on the envelope front.)
Miss Fit: (Continuing.) This is a exercise in charity. Take all of your money out and put it into the envelope.
(Louise's face drops and her eyebrows knit in a sorrowful expression as she takes some bills out of her pocket and puts them in the envelope as she continues speaking. She makes a show of licking the flap and sealing it, then dropping it into the box, waving goodbye to it as she does.)
Miss Fit: (Speaking as she does all this.) You cant be greedy and spiritually fit at the same time, now seal the envelope and drop it in the mail to me, Miss Fitt, first thing in the morning. Now, didnt that feel like a big step toward spiritual fitness.
Louise: (Sobbing.) It felt like a big step toward bankruptcy court!
Miss Fit: Next, one key to spiritual fitness is to witness, so lets practice.
(Louise looks relieved.)
Miss Fit: Smile!
(Louise displays an enormous, frozen grin and turns toward Mama with it, who appears disturbed by it.)
(Note: the next series of actions goes quickly. No time to wait around to do them!)
Miss Fit: Shake the hand of the person nearest you!
(Louise goes over to Mama, who is still seated. Taking her outstretched hand, she pulls her up, stiff-legged, into a standing position and begins shaking her hand fiercely, nearly giving her a dislocated arm as her whole body moves.)
Miss Fit: Pat someone on the back!
(Louise, still displaying the frozen grin, and still shaking her hand, whacks her mother hard a couple of times on the back, staggering her. Only the fact that she has her hand in her grip, still shaking, keeps her from falling over.)
Miss Fit: Hug someone!
(Louise, still shaking her hand, puts her other arm around Mama and squeezes her in a hug, which Mama, eyes comically bugging and tongue protruding, tolerates with a pat or two to humor her.)
Miss Fit: Give someone a holy kiss!
(With a grimace Mama flinches away as Louise puckers up hugely and lays one on her cheek.)
Mama: (Mama wipes her face off on her hand.) They do sell breath mints, dear.
Miss Fit: Next on the agenda, take out item # 5.
(Louise goes back to the box and lifts out the next item: a nightstick with the number 5 label attached by a string. She holds it up in front of her face and looks at it in fear as Miss Fitt continues to speak.)
Miss Fit: I call this part of the program "no pain, no gain!" Pain and suffering are our friends!
Louise: (Still looking at the nightstick.) With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Miss Fit: They help us to overcome temptation by focusing us on God, instead of the object of our desire. Ive give you an example... remember that big hot fudge sundae you saw in the restuarant last night?
(A light comes on in Louise's eyes as she reflects back, looking up and picturing it with a dreamy grin and broadly licking her lips.)
Miss Fit: It was a huge triple scoop of french vanilla ice cream on chocolate fudge cake, drizzled all over with hot chocolate sauce, and topped with chopped peanuts and a bright red cherry?
(She is nodding as if hypnotised when Miss Fitt lays on her the next sudden command, which she obeys instantly without thinking:)
Miss Fit: Well, hit yourself in the head for that!
(BAP! She whacks the side of her head and reacts as if someone else did it, looking dazed and staggering!)
Miss Fit: Come on, harder than that...
(BAP! She does it again, harder! Mama stands up and watches in concern and disbelief, her hands on her face.)
(Staggering and wincing, she pauses as Miss Fitt continues, then repeatedly whacks herself in the face, first one side and then the other, back and forth, as Miss Fitt is degrading her! A total of six consecutive whacks to coincide with each adjective below!)
Miss Fit: Now keep doing it, you glutton, you hippo, you big, fat, calorie craving, blimp!
(Louise is barely standing as she finishes, reeling from side to side, as Mama sits down again, shaking her head.)
Miss Fit: Now, dont think about dessert any more or youll get more of the same!
Louise: (Raising her arms and waving her hands back and forth, as she shakes her head.) Huh, uh!
Miss Fit: See how it works? Youve totally forgotten about food, havent you?
Louise: (Putting a hand to her head with a puzzled expression.) Forgotten about what?
Miss Fit: Now for our final step in spiritual fitness. The sin of pride keeps Christians from being effective, but youve got to be willing to look foolish in the eyes of the world.
(Louise looks up worriedly and mouths the word silently: Foolish?)
Miss Fit: This discipline is designed to remove that pride. Now crawl on your hands and knees and bark like a dog!
(Shrugging, as if to resignedly say, "whatever," she drops to her hands and knees and begins to do exactly what Miss Fitt tells her to as she delivers the lines!)
Miss Fit: Bark, Fido, Bark!
Miss Fit: Sit up and beg!
Miss Fit: Now kick like a mule! Yee haw, yee haw!
Miss Fit: Alright youve earned a rest, take a little while to relax.
(Exhausted after all this activity, she wobbles over to her mother and puts her hands together in supplication to use her chair. Mama gets up and gestures for her to take it, and she collapses into it with a tired smile until she hears the next line:)
Miss Fit: Alright, now that youve rested...
(She looks pitiful and befuddled at her short resting time, but jumps up anyway.)
Miss Fit: Lets take a brief review of all the elements weve learned today...
Louise: (Distressed, as she looks at Mama.) A review?!?!
Miss Fit: (Continuing.) ...as we go over them in order, be sure to keep up and do them all! Lets go!
(Louise leaps into action, trying to keep up by doing each thing in an abbreviated, comically exasperated fashion. The actress should have fun and throw herself into this, the high-speed comedic climax of the script!)
Miss Fit: (Rapid fire.) Pump iron, 1,2! 1, 2!
(Louise grabs the iron and hefts it quickly a couple of times.)
Miss Fit: Kick yourself!
(Still lifting the iron, she kicks backward with one leg to try and kick herself!)
Miss Fit: Bark like a dog!
(Jumping up and down to kick herself, while pumping the iron, she barks like a dog!)
Miss Fit: Kick like a mule!
(She drops the iron, does a handstand and kicks her feet up in the back!)
Miss Fit: Hit yourself in the head with the club!
(She grabs the nightstick with the other hand and hits herself in the head several times in time with the seven rapid "face hit" sound effects on the soundtrack!)
Miss Fit: Now do all of this every day, and you will be spiritually fit! So go to it, and knock yourself out!
(Coinciding with the sound effect of two WHAPS! on the soundtrack-- she hits herself in the head with the nightstick, and falls backward, feet flailing up in the air as she literally knocks herself out!)
(Mama rushes over, concerned at the damage little Louise may have done to herself, and looks down at her prone form.)
Mama: Little Louise! Are you okay?
(Suddenly, Louise sits upright, an angry expression carved into her face. Mama backs up fearfully at this, and Louise gets up, rage expressed in her entire body. Her back is hunched, her fingers clenching and unclenching, her face in a grimace.)
Louise: (Screaming.) I can't take this anymore!!!!
(Coinciding with the "dangerous frenzy" music on the soundtrack, which is on the same track still playing, she raises the nightstick she still holds, and begins SMASHING the items on the table! The boombox, the iron, the mirror, it is all being bashed as we hear the sounds of destruction on the track. Even Miss Fitt is screaming as she attacks the CD player!)
Mama: Louise, stop it! Control yourself! (She tries to grab her and calm her down.)
(In a frenzy, Louise blindly turns on Mama as she tries to grab her, flailing blindly away at her with the nightstick, as Mama ducks and retreats behind her chair for her own safety! Louise turns back to the table for several more blows as the music comes to an end. The sound of sparking electricity is heard as she surveys the damage, breathing heavily.)
Mama: (Yelling as she peeks from behind the safety of her chair.) Louise, settle down! Are you crazy? You're frightening your little old Mama here!
(Louise, wild-eyed and disheveled, looks around as she recovers from her fit. Then she begins to sob as it hits her, and dropping the nightstick, she staggers over to Mama, who comes out of hiding, holding out her arms to her. She puts her head on her mother's shoulder and cries like a baby. Mama tries to console her, putting her arms around Louise and patting her back.)
Mama: There, there, baby, it's alright now. It's over, it's all over. Nothing to cry about.
Louise: (Out of breath.) I'm sorry, Mama, I just lost it there for a minute... I mean, I just couldn't take the thought of having to do all that to make God happy with me. I just kind of snapped! (She stands up straighter and sniffs, as she tries to bring her emotion under control.)
(Mama hands Louise a tissue from a box on the table and she honks his nose in it loudly. Mama also takes a tissue and wipes off the shoulder of her housecoat.)
Louise: Oh, mama... look at this mess... I totally destroyed your boombox. And it was a Christmas present!
Mama: Yes, and you nearly destroyed yourself in the process!
Louise: If this is what it takes to be spiritually fit, I just can't do it. I just don't have it in me!
Mama: Well... maybe this crazy kit has done some good after all!
Mama: You've finally come to the place where you realise you can't live the Christian life in your own strength.
Louise: But... we're supposed to be strong, active Christians! You work for the Lord all the time!
Mama: Because I lean on the Lord. You see, Louise, Christianity is more than works. People try to accomplish spirituality by outward motion and effort. But the Bible says, "Bodily exercise profiteth little." Do you understand what the means?
Louise: (Rubbing a sore muscle.) I think I'm beginning to...
Mama: It means we can't achieve spiritual health through physical strength or outward activity. It's an inner condition that can only be achieved through a relationship with the Lord, and growing daily by taking in his Word. Then, and only then, will our physical labors bear fruit. You've got it backwards!
Louise: : So you're telling me that all my efforts mean nothing?
Mama: If they are done in your own strength, yes. Jesus said, "Without Me, you can do nothing." We must abide in Him, and depend on His strength to help us accomplish His will. Here, look at this...
(She opens her Bible to the pre-printed Scriptures card and reads 2 Cor:12:9.)
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Louise: So, it's saying, that when I know I'm weak, and lean on Him, then I can have His strength?
Mama: Exactly! Listen, there's more in the next verse: "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
Louise: Well, I have no trouble admitting I'm weak. I know it now. I am weak! I am pathetic!
Mama: Yes, you are. (Louise shoots her a hurt look and she hurriedly adds:) Uh, we all are, without God's help! But we don't have to be limited by our weakness. Look over here in Phil:4:13... (Flips to the next card.) "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Louise: That's what I've been missing! I thought I had to do it all myself to make God happy, and to be in spiritual shape.
Mama: Here's one I love and depend on...Eph:6:10: (Turns page and reads from card.) "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might." You see, a daily discipline of prayer and Bible reading will get you on the true road to spiritual fitness.
Louise: That's what I want. I think I need to learn some more about all this. Can I borrow your Bible a little while?
Mama: (With a relieved laugh, she puts a hand on Louise's shoulder.) I was hoping you'd ask me! I've got one here with your name in it. (Hands her one from the table beside the chair.)
Louise: Thanks, Mama! You always know what I need. (She hugs and kisses her, which she accepts this time with a smile.) Why don't I just listen to you in the first place, and save myself a lot of touble?
Mama: I wonder the same thing myself sometimes.
Louise: Now, let me clean up this mess and put everything back in the box. (She begins putting all the elements back into it.)
I can't get a refund since I couldn't follow all the directions to the letter. Maybe I can sell it on ebay or something...
Mama: (Firmly, as she helps.) Oh, no, this belongs in the trash can.
Louise: I guess you're right... Let me get my money out of here... (Takes it out of the envelope.)
Mama: Yeah, you don't want to mail that off, you'll need it. To get me a decent present this time!
Louise: Mama, I'm really sorry about your CD player. I know you listen to your gospel music all the time on it. Look, I'll replace it for you.
Mama: Just forget it, that's not neccessary. I'll get along somehow.
Louise: No, I insist! And it will be even better... I'll get you one with a six CD tray with automatic changer, huge detachable speakers, remote control....
Mama: Louie, you don't have to do that. Besides, that would too expensive.
Louise: (Confidently.) Not to worry, Mama; very soon, money is going to be no object!
Mama: (Dubiously.) How so?
Louise: (Smiling and rubbing his hands together greedily.) I've ordered a new book and tape series that is going to make me rich!
Mama: (Tiredly.) Oh, no...
Louise: Wait til you hear the title... (Spreads her hands as if picturing the words on a huge sign, she grins.) "Preaching the Gospel For Fun and Profit!"
(Mama is standing with her mouth hanging open in disbelief.)
Louise: (Grinning broadly, she waits for her reaction.) So, what do you think?
(Mama slowly leans over and picks up one of the towels that she had been folding earlier, and holding two ends, begins to swing the middle, twisting it with a threatening motion.)
Mama: (Slowly.) Well, daughter of mine, here's what I think... (Her words getting louder and faster.) I think it's time for a little loving parental discipline!
(She SNAPS the towel at Louise and she yelps!)
Louie: (Holding up her hands and pleading.) No, Mama, not the towel! That stings like the devil! (She turns to run.)
(Begin Track #18, the Outro Music!)
(Mama whips the towel, sharply snapping Louise's behind with it, displaying a huge grin!)
Louie: Ouch! Mama, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!
(SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! Mama chases her around, snapping the towel fiercely, as she tries to protect her hiney with her hands, jumping and yelling!)
Mama: (Yelling as she chases her offstage.) This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me, baby! Come back here!
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