Years ago, the “Sheep Laughs” site was a place where one could find clean Christian humor, which one could share in a church bulletin or newsletter! I have placed them all here in this “Joke Archive” for you to enjoy once again. Pastors who like to open their sermon with a humorous story or illustration will also find this archive helpful. Feel free to share!
A smile increases your face value! So spend a little while here exercising your smile muscles with these humorous stories, sayings, anecdotes and jokes.
Global RECALL NOTICE
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed “Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,” or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download REMISSION from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will need to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your attention!
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by “kneemail”.
You Know You’re Getting Even Older When…
1) You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2) Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3) At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4) Your back goes out, but you stay home.
5) When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
6) It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7) When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8) When happy hour is a nap.
9) When you’re on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
10) When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11) When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12) When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13) Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14) It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15) Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
A woman pulled up to a red light behind another car. The driver of the car in front of her was talking on his cell phone, and shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him.
The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice. The woman began pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man still didn’t move.
The woman went ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dashboard.
The light turned yellow. The woman blew the car’s horn repeatedly, as she yelled and screamed curses at the man.
The man finally noticed the commotion. He looked up, saw the yellow light, and accelerated through the intersection just as the light turned red.
The woman was beside herself, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant she heard a tap on her window and looked into the face of a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman told her to shut off her engine and step out of the car. The red-faced woman obeyed, speechless at what was happening.
The policeman then arrested the woman and took her to the police station where she was booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours the woman was escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer was waiting with her personal effects.
The policeman handed her the bag containing her things, and said, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and screaming and cursing. Then I noticed the *Choose Life* license plate holder, the *Follow Me to Sunday School* bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed that you had stolen the car. Have a blessed day!”
With Valentine’s Day approaching, Tom went to the department store to get his wife a little gift.
How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Tom, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Man Vs. Woman
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn’t.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn’t marry.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage
and after marriage.
What a Woman Wants:
Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy:
One is to let her think she is having her own way.
The other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering
the same thing.
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
T’WAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN’T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED – THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I WAS PILING MORE FOOD UP ON A LARGE TRAY,
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE FLOOR GAVE AWAY!
I CRASHED THROUGH THE BOARDS TOWARD THE BASEMENT BELOW,
THROUGH A MOUTH STUFFED WITH PUDDING I CRIED OUT IN WOE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I FELL OUT OF SIGHT,
HAPPY EATING TO ALL – ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT!
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES ‘N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
A Halloween Story
Late one dark night a man was walking home alone when he hears a…..”BUMP…BUMP…BUMP”, behind him. Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, unlocks the door, rushed in, slams and lockes the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping…
on the heels of the terrified man…Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man laocks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps…
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door; bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reached for something heavy, anything…his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN. Desperate, he throws the ROBITUSSIN as hard as he can at the apparition…..and THE COFFIN STOPPED!!!
An old man and woman lived away back in the woods with their old bloodhound. Usually, every afternoon, the old man would sit on the porch with the dog beside him, whittling away at an old piece of tree limb, while the wife would cook supper. He didn’t like being in the house while she cooked, because he just couldn’t put up with her.
One day, while he was whittling, the dog sat up and began howling at something off in the distance. The dog continued to bay and howl while the man sat patiently, whittling away, his shotgun at his side, but he never took notice of what was going on. Eventually, the woman’s voice came out of the window, “Make that dog stop that infernal howling NOW!”
The man, without lifting his eyes, said to the dog, “Hush, dog. That’s one.” The man continued to whittle and the dog continued to howl. After a while, the woman once again screamed out of the window, “Didn’t you hear me, you good for nothin’ man? I said make that dog shut up NOW!”
The man continued whittling and said in the same tone, “Hush, dog. That’s two.” But the dog continued howling. So the man sat down his stick and his knife, picked up his shotgun, said, “That’s three,” and BOOOOM! He blew the dog right off of the porch!
The old woman came flying out the door, saw the dead dog a distance from the porch, and saw the old man lay down his shotgun and pick up his knife to whittle. “What in Sam Hill did you do that for,” the old woman shouted in his face. ” I ain’t never seen someone do something so stupid in all my borne days. I mean,….”
The old man continued to whittle. “Hush, woman. That’s one.”
After You, Dear
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.
“This is marvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled the women to achieve this reversal of roles?”
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines!”
Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism, the wife in one family thought they had better do something to witness to their neighbors for Jesus. So she invited their less well-to-do next-door neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.
When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home. So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.
Little Johnny was a bit shy. “I don’t know what to say.” There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy’s mother.
“Well darling,” she said, “just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning.”
Obediently, the boy repeated, “Oh God, we’ve got those awful people coming to dinner tonight!”
A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that’s what I call faith!”
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, “Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband. “No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “I told you you’d forget something. Where’s the toast?”
Who Wants To Stay A Millionaire?
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: “I dare you to do it again.”
Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A couple decided to go to Florida for the weekend, but because they both worked it was hard to coordinate their schedules. So they decided the husband would go a day early, and his wife would join him the following day. On arriving, the husband thought he would email his wife from his laptop, but he accidentally mistyped her email address and sent it off without realising.
A widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, but instead found this:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Signs of the Times
– On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania “Don’t sleep with a drip, call your plumber.”
– At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
– Door of a plastic surgeons office: “Hello, can we help you pick your nose?”
– At A Laundry Shop “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
– At a Towing Company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
– Billboard on the side of the road “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
– In a Nonsmoking Area ” If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
– On Maternity Room Door “Push, Push, Push.”
– At an Optometrists Office “If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”
– On a Taxidermist’s window “We really know our stuff.”
– In a Podiatrist’s office “Time wounds all heels.”
– On a Butchers window “Let me meat your needs.”
– On a fence “Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”
– At a car Dealership “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
– Outside a Muffler Shop “No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”
– Outside a Hotel “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
– On a desk in a reception room “We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.”
– In a Veterinarians waiting room “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ”
– At the Electric Company “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
– On the door of a Computer Store “Out for a quick byte.”
– In a Restaurant window “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
– Inside a Bowling Alley “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
– In the front yard of a funeral home “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
– In a counselors office “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.”
Chances For Recovery Look Slim
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
1. “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.”
2. “At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.”
3. “For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don’t burden him with household chores.”
4. “Satisfy his every whim.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
“You’re going to die,”she informed him.
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the
6. If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator
Won’t Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going To The Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of
Genius At Work
At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister’s hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein.” Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday’s comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”
The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”
Cause Nothin’ Says Lovin’ Like Somethin’ From The Oven
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died, so he slowly made his way down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula, snapping, “Don’t touch those!”
Recoiling his stinging hand, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”
“Because,” she said, “Those are for the funeral.”
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town years ago, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two brothers in need of some cash filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts which they would later sell.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said the brother that was dividing them. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
A boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. “Oh my”, he shuddered, “It’s Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along, “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord himself.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
WHAT’S HE GOING TO BE?
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test.
They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father told his wife, “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard.”
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.
Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said: “This is worse than I could ever have imagined!”
“What? asked the wife.
“Our son is going to be a politician!”
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat is dead!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof.’ Then the next day, ‘He is not doing very well,’ and finally, ‘I’m afraid your cat has passed away,’ and let me down slowly that he died. Your bluntness showed a lack of consideration and compassion.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”
Ignorance Is No Excuse
We are told in the Bible to abide by the laws of the land. To that end, to make sure your conscience is clear, here are a few of the laws still on the books in various States around the U.S. Please be certain to obey them, under penalty of law.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Helping Him Out
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, he suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, “Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You’ll never need to worry about money.”
“Oh, sweetheart, please don’t talk that way,” his young wife exclaimed. “You’ve been so good to me already. If you go, I’ll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please, tell me what I can do?”
“Well,” the old man gasped, “you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters.”
Two shepherds were leaning on their staffs at the end of a long hard day of shepherding.
The first asked the second, “So, how’s it going?”
The second one sighed and shook his head, “Not good, I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.”
The first replies, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”
THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
“Great idea!” the chicken cried. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”
“Not so fast,” said the pig. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”
Keys To Understanding the Opposite Sex
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn’t want.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her, a man, of the woman who didn’t.
There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use in two people remembering the same thing.
The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup. When delivered, it had a fly in it and the outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never to ride that railroad again.
Then he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again.
The passenger was almost persuaded until he discovered that the envelope also contained a small slip of paper containing his name and address and the handwritten notation:
“Send this jerk the bug letter.”
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brother’s deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition,” he said. “At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on like this, he finally concluded, “but, compared to his brother, he was a saint!”
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job,” he said as he handed the man a check. “Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.”
The painter declined, saying “No, I can’t accept that.”
“I insist,” said the man. “It would make me very happy if you did it.”
“Well,” said the man reluctantly, but with appreciation, “If you really don’t mind it, I’ll do it.”
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, “What’s the matter, did you leave something behind?”
“Nope,” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take the missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”
The Collectable Cat
A famous art collector was walking through a city he was visiting when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He did a double take when he saw what the cat was drinking from.
He knew that the saucer was extremely old and very valuable, so he walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replied, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”
The collector said, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner said “Sold,” and handed over the cat.
The collector, carefully nonchalant, continued, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”
To which the owner replied, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold twenty-three cats.”
Not Clear On The Concept
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive but dim female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then, finding nothing in it, slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL.'”
It’s All In How You Look At It
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.’ And then I’ll go in!”
The Food Most Hazardous To Your Health
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in a major city. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago,” he stated unequivocally.
“Red meat is awful for your physical well-being. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables tainted with pesticides can be disastrous, and bread made from refined flour is terrible for you!”
The physician with a beef against food addressed the audience with a question. “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said with certainty, “Wedding cake!”
An Accurate Auto Analysis
A wife experiences some car trouble and calls her husband at work.
WIFE: “Hey, hon. There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
WIFE: “In the pool.”
10 Reasons Not to Wash
In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why people don’t go to church, applied the same excuses in a different context to show how silly they were. Church-goers the following Sunday got a bulletin that included “Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash.”
I was forced to as a child.
People who wash are hypocrites — they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
There are so many different kinds of soap, I can’t decide which one is best.
I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
None of my friends wash.
I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
I can’t spare the time.
The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.
People who make soap are only after your money.
One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply pull the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”
Farmer Joe’s Day In Court
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”
A little church in the suburbs had suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
“I’ll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”
“Well, interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”
“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown. “However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday.’ ”
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – he’s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been at together since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter, just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church, and there wasn’t a pew available; several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, “Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back.”
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, “I beg your pardon?”
“Get three chairs for my Baptist friends,” repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. “Three Chairs … For The Baptists,” he enunciated.
The usher’s face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. “All right, everybody,” he called out to the assembled worshippers. “Three cheers for the Baptists!”
Now You Tell Me
An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally, he made it to the counter with his package. The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.
The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor.
“My son bought me this newfangled shaver,” complained the fellow, “and he said it would let me shave in half the time with fewer cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!”
The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. “Let’s see if we can tell what the problem might be.”
After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it. Asked the clerk, “Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?”
The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, “It needs batteries?”
Happiness Is In Your Outlook
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas their father gave the pessimist the most expensive, fanciest toy he could find. For the optimist he gift-wrapped a box of horse manure.
The next morning the father came downstairs and found the pessimist sitting in front of his opened present crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toy will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Seeing the optimist, who was dancing for joy in front of the crate of manure, he asked, “What are you so happy about?”
To which the optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony around here somewhere!”
A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”
Holiday Etiquette For Dogs
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Redneck Interpretation of Computer Terms
BACKUP: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE: What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
CRASH: When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC: Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM: What Ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK: Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM: Where the pope lives.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear.
Christian Pick-up Lines
“I would like to pray with you”
“You know Jesus? Me too!”
“God told me to come talk to you”
“I know a church where we could go and talk”
“How about a hug, sister?”
“Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.”
“Christians don’t shake hands, Christians gotta hug!”
“Oh, you’re cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?”
“I am here for you.”
You And Me Both, Sister
A pastor was in a discussion with an elderly church member about a relative of hers who had seen the light and joined the church after a lifetime of riotous living. “Will my converted cousin’s sins be forgiven?” she asked.
“Oh, certainly,” replied the pastor, “Remember, the greater the sin, the greater the saint.”
The woman thought silently for a time. Then she said, “Oh, Pastor, how I wish I’d known this fifty years ago.”
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners.” Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a “clunk.” He then made a left turn and again heard a “clunk.”
Back at the shop he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, “Removed bowling ball from trunk. Labor fee: $75.”
How to Use English Properly
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
Back From The Grave
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!
“If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they’ll hate me forever,” he thought.
So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.
A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside. “Did you hear that Fluffy died?” the neighbor asked.
“Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened?” Chris mumbled.
The neighbor replied, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!”
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.
The little girl bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them.
“Well,” the man replied, “this is my house, and that building over there is my church. It’s a wonderful church and I hate to leave it.”
“And what is the third building yonder?” a rescuer asked.
“Oh, that’s the church I used to go to,” the man replied.
They Shared Everything
A little old couple walked slowly into a fast-food restaurant. A young couple at a nearby table looked admiringly at them, and the husband whispered to his wife, “Look, they’ve been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the younger couple began to be bothered. The woman said to the man, “All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
Her husband, a sympathetic fellow, stood and walked over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Sitting back down, after a few minutes the man noticed that the old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, and at his wife’s silent urging, he went over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he went over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. “Maam, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, “the teeth.”
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
A little boy went to stay the night with a friend and ate supper with their family. Before they ate, the boy bowed his head and waited for the blessing to be said. But everyone started helping themselves to the food and he looked back up, puzzled.
“What’s wrong, why aren’t you eating?” asked his friend’s mom.
The boy, who had been taught to give thanks, asked, “Don’t you pray at meals?”
The father said they didn’t.
“Oh, I see,” said the lad, “You’re just like my dog–you start right in!”
A single man was visiting a new church and saw only one empty seat between two nice-looking ladies. Being somewhat timid, he was reluctant to go in and be seated. The usher, a fatherly type, saw him hesitating and said encouragingly, “You go on in and sit down. They won’t mind.”
The fellow gulped. “But what would I say to them?”
“Just be friendly,” the older man suggested. “Ask them if they are married and if they have any children.”
He nervously sat down between the two ladies and turned to the one on the right, asking, “Do you have children?” She replied, “Yes.” He asked, “Are you married?” She reddened and turned away. Hoping for better results with the remaining lady, he turned to her and asked, “Are you married?” “No,” she told him. He then asked, “Do you have any children?”
Pet Letters To God
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we lay on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
Dear God, I’ve always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don’t. Could you give me a name, please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth,
I will not stop eating for the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me for
I knoweth that I soon shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously, my clothes
runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow
me all the days of my life and I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.
A pastor, after being away for the weekend, came back to town and saw one of his members at the store. Curious if he was missed, and if his young new assistant did well, he asked her, “How did the assistant pastor do Sunday Morning?”
The lady threw up her hands. “Oh, Pastor, I hate to tell you this, but it was a very poor sermon. His delivery was fine, but the material was lacking. Nothing in it at all.”
The pastor was a little perplexed since he had heard the young man before and he did fine. But he was secretly a little pleased to know that his own wisdom and words had been missed and that he couldn’t be replaced easily.
Later in the week before Wednesday service he saw his assistant and asked, “How did it go Sunday morning?” His secret pleasure was decreased somewhat on hearing his reply, however.
The young fellow smiled. “Excellent,” he said with confidence. “However, you had to leave so quickly that I didn’t have time to prepare anything myself, so I preached one of your sermons.”
Snatching Defeat From The Jaws of Victory
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he answered.
“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked “Is your daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching the child. “Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, and more than a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle, “Me.”
Teacher Boots Student; Story at 11
A boy in kindergarten was having trouble putting on his snow boots and he asked his teacher to help him. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally she got one ill-fitting boot on and began on the second one.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.”
Her trial starts next month.
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.”
The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say…. ‘HEY LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!'”
Predictable Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cattle futures steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola and Pepsi both fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Maybe It’s Just You
A man goes to his doctor and says “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies: “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says “What’s for dinner, honey?” No response.
He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response.
Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She says, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Fighting Fire With Fire
I received a call from one of those annoying telephone marketers the other day. This lady asked me if I’d be willing to participate in a survey. I agreed to do so.
She began the questions, but I interrupted her. “Wait a second,” I said. “Who is this and what organization do you represent?”
She answered my question and continued asking questions.
I interrupted her again. “What’s the purpose of this survey?” I asked.
“Sir,” she replied irritably, “I don’t have time to answer your questions.” She then hung up on me.
The Hand of the Lord Takes Many Forms
The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the waters were rising around Clem’s house. The waters had gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to Clem, “Hop in and I’ll take you to high ground.”
Clem replied, “No, my God will save me!”
The river continued to rise to the second story windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, “Hop in and I’ll take you to high ground.”
Clem replied, “No, my God will save me!”
The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a helicopter fly over and the people inside yelled over a bullhorn, “Grab the rope and climb in and we’ll take you to high ground.”
Clem replied, “No, my God will save me!”
The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he asked God, “I put my trust in you. Why have you forsaken me?”
And his God replied, “What do you want from me? I sent you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!”
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”
Old Pete, the town tippler, made it a habit to sleep off his drunks in the church cemetery every Saturday night. On Sunday mornings the pastor of the church would have to go out before services and rouse him, and escort him home before the services began.
Finally he grew tired of the routine, and on Halloween, which fell on a Saturday night that year, he decided to do something about Old Pete. Borrowing his son’s skull mask, and donning a choir robe, he settled down in the dark cemetery to await Old Pete’s approach. He planned on scaring the devil out of the fellow, and teaching him a lesson.
Finally Old Pete staggered through the graveyard about midnight, unsteadily picking his way through the headstones in the light of the full harvest moon. Rising up from behind a large tombstone, the pastor, calling upon his seminary theatrical training, moaned and swayed in the dimness. Old Pete froze, quaking in his tracks.
“Lord, have mercy!” he cried, much to the satisfaction of the disguised pastor. “It’s Death, come for me!”
“Pete…” intoned the preacher in his deepest pulpit tones. “It is time for you to come with me!”
“Don’t take me Mr. Death,” begged the inebriated fellow. “I’m not ready to go!”
The minister saw his chance. “Then repent, and change your ways.” He raised a ghostly arm and pointed to the church. “Seek out the man of God yonder and he will guide you into the paths of life.”
Old Pete slumped down next to a headstone. “That won’t do any good,” he groaned.
The pastor was taken aback. “Why not?” he asked, forgetting his spectral voice.
“Because,” explained the downcast Pete, “the pastor of that church is as dead as any of the stiffs out here in the cemetery!”
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. “Yale,” she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
“Mom, this is Susan and I’m sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I’m going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad’s car has a flat but it’s not my fault. Honest! I don’t know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don’t be mad, okay?”
Since I don’t have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
“I’m sorry dear,” I replied, “but you’ve reached the wrong number. I don’t have a daughter named Susan.”
“Wow, Mom,” the young woman’s voice replied, “I didn’t think you’d be this mad.”
A father and son went fishing one day.
After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”
The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breathe underwater?”
Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
Recipe for Revival?
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
“Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great confidence. “To make the gravy,” came her enthusiastic reply.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! A BACON TREAT! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 am – OH BOY! MY CHEW TOY! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! TABLE SCRAPS! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! DADDY! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal and some slop from a tin. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may vandalize another table leg.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
If You Have A Dream, Don’t Listen To Skeptics
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
— Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
— David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
— A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
“Who wants to hear actors talk?”
— H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
This is reported to be the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Some Things To Think About
1. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?
20. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
All About Dogs
Dog property laws:
If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.
How dogs and men are the same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notices when you get your haircut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Exercise guru Miss Fitt, with today’s routine: “Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.”
1: Beating around the bush
2: Jumping to conclusions
3: Climbing the walls
4: Swallowing my pride
5: Passing the buck
6: Throwing my weight around
7: Dragging my heels
8: Pushing my luck
9: Making mountains out of molehills
10: Hitting the nail on the head
11: Wading through paperwork
12: Bending over backwards
13: Jumping on the bandwagon
14: Balancing the books
15: Running around in circles
16: Eating crow
17: Tooting my own horn
18: Climbing the ladder of success
19: Pulling out the stops
20: Adding fuel to the fire
21: Opening a can of worms
22: Putting my foot in my mouth
23: Starting the ball rolling
24: Going over the edge
25: Picking up the pieces
“Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.” -Miss Fitt
Do You Have a BC?
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the “BC”. “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That “BC” business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows…
“Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community).”
Come out, Mother!
A couple was going out for the evening. After getting ready, they put the cat out on their way out of the house to get in the taxi.
The cat, however, had a different idea and scampered back inside before they could get out. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went on out to the taxi while the husband went back in to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver “My husband will be here in just a moment. He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he explained, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”
The Kitten From Heaven
A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward… the rope broke.
The tree went “boing!” and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So, he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”
She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
“Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her.”
Words of Wisdom
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique — just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Diary of a Modern Homemaker
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
It being a church night, and needing to fix something simple for supper, I decided to serve rice. I found a recipe which said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly to me. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” So I spread out some lettuce on the bed and rolled around on it an hour before dinner. Bob came in and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Today after church Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
An atheist complained to a Christian co-worker, “Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists,” he said, “have no recognized holidays. It’s an unfair discrimination.”
“What do you mean, atheists have no holidays,” his friend replied, “People have been observing a special day in your honor for years.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the atheist said, “When is this special day honoring atheists?”
Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device
Let me introduce the new Bio-optic Organized Knowledge device trade named BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology. No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. Its so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere – even sitting in an armchair by the fire – yet it is so powerful it can hold as much information as a CD-Rom Disc.
Here’s how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
People Really Can Change
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Quick! Go get your Mother.”
And Then There Were None
10 little Christians standing in line. 1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9.
9 little Christians stayed up very late. 1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8.
8 little Christians on their way to Heaven. 1 took the low road and then there were 7.
7 little Christians chirping like chicks. 1 disliked music, then there were 6.
6 little Christians seemed very much alive, but one lost his interest then there was 5.
5 little Christians pulling for Heaven’s Shore, but one stopped to rest, then there were 4
4 little Christians each busy as a bee. 1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3
3 little Christians knew not what to do. 1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2
2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done, differed with each other, then there was 1
(click to read the rest of the poem!)
Why It’s Great to Be A Guy
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don’t care if you’ve lost or gained weight
When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying
And Good Riddance!
A man went out to pick up his paper from the front yard when he saw the family next door loading everything into a moving van. “You moving out?” he called in a neighborly fashion to the man next door, who was carrying a box.
“Yes,” he replied. “I’ve accepted a wonderful position at a new job.” He smirked at his neighbor standing in his robe and house slippers. “I must say, I’m looking forward to living in a better neighborhood.”
“Oh, really?” returned the zinged fellow. “So are we.”
“Oh,” wondered the not-so-neighborly soon-to-be-ex-neighbor. “So you’re moving also?”
“Nope, “said the man as he turned to go back inside with a parting return zing. “We’re staying.”
“The proper way for man to pray,”
said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
“And the only proper attitude is
down upon your knees.”
“No, I should say the way to pray,”
said Reverend Dr. Wise,
“Is standing straight with upraised arms and rapt and upturned eyes.”
“Oh, no, no, no!” said Elder Sloe…
“Such posture is too proud.
A man should pray with eyes fast closed and head contritely bowed.”
“It seems to me his hands should be austerely clasped in front
with both thumbs pointing downward,”
said Reverend Dr. Blunt.
“Last year I fell in Hodgekin’s well headfirst,” said farmer Cyrus Brown.
“With both my heels a-stickin’ up,
my head a-pointin’ down.
And I made a prayer right then and there– best prayer I ever said–
the prayingest prayer I ever prayed– a-standin’ on my head!”
Ask a stupid question…
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is sitting up there under a shade tree?”
“I don’t know,” responded the other. “I think I’ll go ask him.” He climbed up out of the hole and walked over to his boss. “We have a question,” said the worker. “What makes you so special that you get treated different from us?”
“Intelligence,” answered the boss.
“What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?”
“I’ll show you,” said the foreman. He placed his hand on the tree trunk. “See my hand? Now take your fist and hit it as hard as you can.”
Happily the ditch-digger pulled back his arm and let loose with a mighty swing. At the last second his superior moved his hand, causing the laborer to smash his fist into the tree. Yelping and waving his hand, he ran back to the ditch and jumped in.
His friend asked, “Did you find out why he thinks he’s better than us?”
“I sure did, and I learned a lesson I’ll never forget. He said we’re down here because of intelligence.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll show you,” said the enlightened one. He placed his hand in front of his face. “Take your shovel,” he said, “and hit my hand as hard as you can.”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer. “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
“There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. “My friend,” asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”
“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after that sermon, I’m about as bored as you can get!”
A very rich man knew that one could not take any riches with him to heaven. But he pestered The Lord about it until He finally gave in and told the rich man that he could only bring one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill it with gold.
When he arrived in heaven, he was stopped by an angel. “You can’t bring anything with you.” the angel said.
“But I have an arrangement with God,” replied the rich man.
On hearing that the angel became interested and asked to see what was in the suitcase. The rich man complied and opened it, proudly showing off what he had worked so hard for on earth.
The angel was shocked, but not as much as the man was, when he said. “Of all the things you might have chosen, why in the world would you bring road-paving material with you?!”
The Difference Between Hymns and Praise Choruses
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
“Well,” said the farmer, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”
“Praise choruses,” said his wife, “What are those?”
“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.
“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.
The farmer replied, “Well it’s like this. If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well, that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I was to say to you, ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,’ well, that would be a praise chorus.”
The Best Lie
A pastor was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you boys doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the pastor was scandalized. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the pastor began to think he’d really gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”
The Timid Witness
After being appointed to the church’s evangelism and outreach committee, one particular member was quite nervous at having to make evangelistic visits. His Pastor comforted him by suggesting that he pray. “If you spend a few minutes talking with God prior to visiting someone, it should help.”
When the committee met again, the nervous parishioner approached the Pastor and said, “Thank-you so much for suggesting prayer. I tried it before I went on my visit and it really worked!”
“I’m so pleased to hear that,” the Pastor answered. “Why don’t you share your experience with the rest of the committee so others may know of the power of prayer?”
“Well,” he replied, “I prayed that the people wouldn’t be home, and they weren’t.”
Honest Hymn Titles
Hymns — The Way We Might Sing Them, If We Were Honest
-I Surrender, Some
-There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
-Fill My Spoon, Lord
-Oh, How I Like Jesus
-He’s Quite a Bit to Me
Actions Speak Louder Than Words…
A pastor went into the home of one of his members who had boldly declared that he could worship God on Sunday in his garden as well as he could attending services in his church. After their greetings, they settled into chairs in front of the crackling fireplace, where they lapsed into silence. The man knew that his pastor had come to take him to task for his independent attitude. The preacher knew that he was expected to give a deserved rebuke. Yet both remained silent.
At long last the preacher arose from the chair and went to the fireplace. Taking the tongs, he lifted a single coal from the embers and placed it alone on the hearth. He waited in silence as the single coal quickly burned out into a smoking ash — while the fire in the fireplace continued to burn brightly. He then got up, shook the man’s hand warmly, and left him to his object lesson.
The man was in his place in church the next Sunday.
Pride Goeth Before a Fall:
Five Americans, including a famous brain surgeon, a prominent minister of a large church, a college student, and the president of the National Mensa Society were flying across the Rockies in the same airplane. Suddenly the pilot emerged from the cockpit with four parachutes. As he strapped one on, he said, “We’ve developed mechanical difficulties and we’re losing altitude.” He tossed the three remaining chute packs on the floor, opened the hatch and jumped out.
Immediately, the brain surgeon stood up and said that since he could save lives with all of his skill and knowledge, he should have the first chute. The others agreed and he jumped from the plane. The Mensa Society president declared, “Since I am the leader of America’s most intelligent people, I can do much to better the world. I deserve a parachute.” Before the others could say a word, he snatched a pack from the hands of the student, slipped into the straps and jumped.
The minister immediately spoke up: “My friend, you are young and have many years ahead of you. I, on the other hand, have enjoyed a long life and am ready to meet my Maker. I want you to…”
“Relax, pastor,” interrupted the student. “We can both have a parachute. One of the most intelligent people in the world just jumped out of this airplane with my bookbag on his back.”
You Dirty Rat–Er, Rodent…
A pastor was spending the Saturday afternoon at a house in the little country town where he preached. After lunch he was sitting out on the front porch with his host and his wife when their two children rushed up, one of them swinging a dead rat over his head by the tail. “Look, ma! Don’t be afraid, it’s dead,” exulted the boy, oblivious to his mother’s embarrassment. “Yeah, ma,” shouted the girl. “We bashed him in the head with a stick, then we stoned him, then we took a rake to him, and we whacked him and hacked him until” –and then catching sight of the amused clergyman, she finished in a lowered, respectful voice– “until the good Lord called him home.”
Now Tell Me Another One…
One day an elderly lady was shocked by an outburst of loud and extremely coarse swearing coming from one of the two men repairing telephone wires near her home. She even wrote a letter to the company complaining about the matter. The foreman was ordered to report to his superior, who said, “Mrs. Jones says she was offended by your language. Is this how you talk,” demanded his boss, “in front of our customers? Now tell me what happened.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” started the nervous culprit. “Me and Harry Wilson were on this job. He was up on the telephone pole and he accidentally let hot lead fall on me and it went down my neck. Then I called up to him, “Golly, that burns! For Heaven’s sake, you really must be more careful, Harry.”
Bet You Can’t Tell Just One…
The pastor had come home tired after a full day of visitation and counseling, when there was a knock at the door. A peek through the curtain revealed the pinched features of the church’s resident busybody. “Oh, no,” whispered the worn-out minister to his wife. “It’s Miss Brisby! Tell her I went to bed early!” And he hurried upstairs to nominally justify the story by lying down on the bed.
After nearly an hour of reading and relaxing, he ventured out of the bedroom and listened at the top of the stairs. Not hearing anything, he started down, calling out to his wife, “Well, honey, did that dreadfully nosy old bore finally leave?”
As he finished the sentence he rounded the stair corner and saw his wife standing next to the woman in question. Both wore a shocked expression as they stared at him.
But his fast-thinking wife saved the day and said, “Yes, dear, she did; but now Mrs. Brisby is here and would love to see you! ”
Well, Do Something!
A lady up in years was taking her first airplane trip to visit her children in another state. Being very nervous about the flight, she was comforted somewhat when she discovered she was seated next to a minister. They were only an hour in the air, however, when they ran into turbulence from a storm and the plane was buffeted severely. The lurches and sudden drops were getting worse by the moment and the lady kept casting an expectant eye toward the minister, who seemed unruffled. Finally, unable to take it quietly anymore, she asked him rather testily, “Can’t you do something about this storm?”
The minister smiled at her annoyance over his apparent lack of concern. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” he said gently. “But I’m only in sales, not management.”
If The Shoe Fits…
It’s reported that Henry Ward Beecher, the renowned clergyman, opened his mail one morning and found that one envelope contained a single sheet of paper with the word scrawled across it: “Fool.” The next Sunday, in the course of his sermon, he referred to the letter by saying, “I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name. But this is the only instance I have known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write his letter.”
Is This You?
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:-
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
* Project Leader
A FOLLOW- UP MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER
…That idiot (Bob) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report I sent to you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered
lines (1, 3, 5, etc…) for my true assessment of him.
Stuck In A Rut…
An old gentleman at a small country church had given the same testimony at every meeting for the last twenty years. It was always, “I’m not making much progress, but Praise the Lord, I’m established.” One rainy afternoon his car slipped off the narrow dirt road and into the ditch. Try as he could, he couldn’t budge, but simply spun his tires. Along came a deacon who could never quite accept the old fellow’s testimony. Stopping to look the situation over he said with a smile, “Well, Brother, I see you’re not making much progress, but you ‘re sure established!”
All Together Now…
A worker was trying to get a large, heavy pulpit through the door of a church. A passerby, seeing his struggle, offered to help. They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted but it wouldn’t move. Finally, the man on the inside said, “We’d better give up, we’ll never get this out.”
The volunteer on the outside end said, “What do you mean, get it out? I thought you were trying to get it in!”
Start While They’re Young…
Before leaving a restaurant, a mother had given her three-year-old son two dimes to put in the gum machines as they went out the door. While she stood at the counter paying the bill, the boy began to cough. Seeing one dime in his hand, she realized that he had swallowed the other one and was choking. Frantically she picked him up and rushed into the dining room, crying, “Help! He’s swallowed some money and he’s choking to death!”
Quickly a man in a suit rushed to help. “Don’t worry, lady,” he said. “I’ll take care of him.” So saying, he took the boy, turning him upside down and holding his ankle with one hand while giving him a sharp whack on the back with the other. Almost at once the boy coughed up four dimes, two nickels, and several pennies.
“Wow” exclaimed the mother. “He only swallowed one and look at all that money. You must be a doctor!”
“No, Ma’am,” he replied. “I work for the IRS.”
Movin’ On Up…
A lady whose husband’s climb up the ladder to success led her to a more showy way of life changed to a better car, finer home, more expensive furs and a more socially-upscale church. After another major advance which landed her at the Mercedes-Benz stage, she paid a visit to her latest minister.
“I’ve had the feeling for some time that I should fit in better with my friends at another church,” she sniffed, swinging her furs around her back and flashing her diamond rings. “What would be your opinion, sir?”
“My dear lady,” the clergyman replied, “it matters little what kind of label you put on an empty bottle!”
Ten Signs Your Pastor Needs A Vacation
10. When he announces VBS he yells the word “VACATION” with special emphasis.
9. He has replaced the framed Ten Commandments in the foyer with a travel poster.
8. The bulletin cover has had pictures of Hawaii on it for the past 5 weeks.
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “all right, listen up you heathens…”
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
4. Every time his pager goes off, he exhibits a facial tic and shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”
3. He wears scuba flippers, mask and snorkel to the baptism service.
2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday: “Come Ye Apart and Rest A Little While.”
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me, too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”
A clergyman was walking down a country lane and saw a boy struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, and then I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young fellow. “My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “right now he’s under the load of hay.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for preaching.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former preacher of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
You know you’ve been online too long when…
A friend calls and says “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”
You forget how to work the TV remote control.
You see something funny and scream “LOL, LOL.”
You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said “You’ve got Mail!”
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
Say It With Flowers
An irate customer complained to the florist, “You sent the wrong flowers to my wife for our anniversary. They said, “With Deepest Regrets.”
“Oh, no,” cried the florist. “Somewhere right now there’s a funeral with flowers that read “Dear, You’ve Made Me So Happy!”
The Final Word
The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused and asked, “What more can I say, my friends, what more can I say?”
From the back of the congregation came a voice that elicited a ripple of snickers. “Amen.” it suggested.
Church Marquee Signs:
“The best vitamin for a Christian is B1”
“Under same management for over 2000 years”
“Soul food served here”
“Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!”
“The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday”
“Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive”
“Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!”
“Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church”
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to rebuke the spirits of darkness.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can’t tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
You Can’t Win
The local post office received a letter addressed “To God.” Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.
The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting. “Dear God,” began the writer. “I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month’s due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a nightwatchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us $1,000 and I won’t bother you again.”
The pastor read the name and one of the committee members recognized it. “He lives right down the street from the church,” she said. “This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care.”
The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with $500, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.
Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow. “Dear God,” it read. “I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me $1,000 to get these creditors off our backs. Thanks again. P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.”
A preacher stepped into the pulpit one Sunday morning with a Band-Aid on the side of his face. He explained at the start of his sermon, “I cut myself while shaving. I guess I was meditating on my sermon.”
An hour and fifteen minutes later a sleepy member of the congregation whispered to his wife, “He should have meditated on his shaving and cut his sermon!”
The sermon had gone on a long time. A visitor leaned over to the person next to him and asked, “How long has he been preaching?”
Came the reply, “Almost thirty years.”
“Oh,” said the stranger. “Guess I’ll stay. He ought to be through soon.”
Cash and Carry…
A miserly rich man was nearing the end and he called three of his closest friends to his bedside: a doctor, a minister and a lawyer.
“They always say that you can’t take it with you,” he wheezed. “But I’m going to prove them wrong.” He handed each of them an envelope. “Inside each envelope is fifty thousand dollars, evenly divided from my estate. I want each of you to throw your envelope in the grave with me just before they cover me up. You are the only ones I could trust to carry out my last wishes.” And so saying, he expired.
Several days later at graveside services, they did as he asked. The three friends walked away in silence. Presently the clergyman spoke. “I have a confession to make,” he started. “The church has desperately needed some major repairs, so I kept back $10,000 of the money to do it.”
This prompted the doctor. “I, too, friends, must confess: the hospital needed a new wing, so I only threw in $10,000 and have already given the rest to the building fund.”
The lawyer stared at the two chagrined men. “Gentlemen! I am shocked, and ashamed of you for keeping back part of the money.” He turned to leave, with a grim smile. “I’ll have you know, friends, that I threw in a personal check for the entire amount!”
Well, You Asked…
A young preacher, fresh out of seminary, was scheduled to deliver the sermon at a pastor’s convention. Afterwards he asked an old pastor what he thought of his sermon. Kindly, he replied, “Young man, your sermon was like the peace and mercy of God.”
Taking it as a compliment he pressed, “What do you mean?”
“It was like the peace of God in that it passed all understanding,” replied the pastor, “And the mercy of God in that I thought it would endure forever.”
A man bought his pretty new lady friend a soda and sat down at the table with her. She took a drink, then suddenly spewed it out all over him. Shocked and soaked, he gasped, “What’s wrong? Did you get choked?”
“No,” she explained. “I have a nervous compulsion, and I can’t control it. It’s so embarrassing when it happens!”
“Maybe you’d better see a psychiatrist,” he suggested as he wiped his face.
“I will,” she promised abashedly
Several weeks later he took her to lunch and she did the same thing again, much to his displeasure. “I thought you were going to see a shrink about that!” he shouted.
“I did,” she replied.
“But you’re still doing it!’ he exclaimed.
“Yes,” she said proudly. “But I’m not embarrassed about it anymore.”
A sour old geezer had suffered an apparently fatal seizure and his widow had prepared him for burial as was the backwoods custom in the last part of the 1800’s. As the pallbearers carried him to the cemetery in the plain pine box, they accidentally hit the gatepost and dropped the coffin, spilling him out. To everyone’s shock, the jar revived him and he sat up, loudly complaining!
Unfortunately, the close brush with a premature burial didn’t improve his disposition. If anything, he was even more cantankerous and his long-suffering wife always caught the worst of it. The next year, however, he died again, this time after a heart attack.
But as they carried him into the cemetery for the second time, his widow called out, “Watch out for the post!”
A young preacher was visiting a man in an oxygen tent in a hospital room. Standing by the bed he asked the elderly gentleman how he was feeling, but the patient merely grunted. Undeterred, the minister opened his Bible and began to read.
Soon he noticed a change come over the man. His eyes started bulging and his face began to turn red. Sensing the end was near, the pastor asked if he had any message or last words. The man nodded weakly, motioning to something beside the bed. Spotting a table, the sympathetic pastor picked up a pad and pencil and passed it to the man under the oxygen tent. The man wrote something, stuffed it in the preacher’s hand, then died.
Shaken, the preacher stepped out of the room. Remembering the note, and realizing the importance of the man’s last words, he uncrumpled the paper and read the hastily scrawled words: “You’re standing on my oxygen line.”
A minister joined a new acquaintance on the golf course, hoping to bring the subject around to church. The course adjoined a cemetery, and as they neared the next hole they observed a funeral procession coming down the road. As it passed their location the man stopped, solemnly removed his hat, and bowed his head till it passed. The minister, touched by his reverence, remarked, “I must say, friend. That was a most heart-warming display of sympathy. I’m touched by your show of respect.”
AAAAAThe golfer replaced his cap. “It’s the least I could do,” he said as he resumed rolling his golf bag to the green. “After all, she was my wife for 18 years.”
While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door. “Come in,” he invited.
A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope.. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” asked the man with his hat in his hand. Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly. The pig proceeded to sniff around the office. With one eye on the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow’s story. “What can I do for you?”
“My family is hungry,” started the man. “So I stole this pig. But I feel that I have sinned. Would you please take it?”
“Certainly not,” said the minister.
“Then what should I do with it?” asked the man.
“Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!” the pastor explained.
“I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?”
“In that case,” the minister said, “It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family.”
That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned. “Thank you for your help, sir.” With a lighter step, he walked out of the office, leading the pig on the rope behind him.
Later that afternoon when the minister returned home, he said to his wife as he walked in, “Have I got a story to tell you.”
“I have something to tell you first,” she exclaimed. “Someone has stolen your prize pig!”
Three pastors had met for a time of mutual prayer and confession. One minister leaned his head on his hands as he spoke.
“I’m ashamed to admit it, but I must tell someone. I have terrible trouble with alcohol. I can go for months, then suddenly I’ll fall off the wagon and go out of town to get fall-down drunk. If anyone knew I’d be so ashamed, but if I keep it up someone is bound to find me out. Please pray for me and with me.”
They agreed to, and the second minister leaned forward. He spoke in low tones as he related his tormenting situation.
“My friends, I hate to tell you this, but I face a real struggle when dealing with women. I constantly fight the urge to sin but inevitably I slip. Not only that, but when I am out of town I visit strip shows. I must stop this terrible behavior, I need help before I’m ruined!”
The others sympathized and offered to counsel him. Finally the first two turned to the last and said, “We’ve poured out our hearts and confessed our deepest sins. Do you have a temptation you struggle with?”
“Yes,” he answered. “I have an irresistible compulsion to gossip.” He stood and put on his hat. “And I can’t wait to get out of here!”
A rather well-dressed man called on the minister and told him a distressing story of poverty and misery in the neighborhood.
“This poor widow,” he said, “with four starving children to feed, is sick in bed with no money for the doctor, and besides that, she owes $350 rent for three months and is about to be evicted. I’m out trying to help raise the rent money. I wondered if you can help?”
“I certainly can,” said the minister. “If you can give your time to this cause, so can I. By the way, who are you?’
“I’m the landlord,” said the man.
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms. “I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls,” he told his guide.
The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. “This is a sad case,” said the man. The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. “William,” she repeated over and over. “Oh, William!”
“She was to marry a man named William,” said the doctor. “And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad.” They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, “William! William!”
“Let me guess,” said the minister. “She lost William also.”
“No,” answered the man. “She’s the one that got him!”
A lady had run into a psychologist acquaintance of hers while on a shopping trip. As they talked, her six-year-old son ran amok in the department store, in general behaving like the worst kind of brat. “I just can’t seem to control him anymore,” lamented the mom. “He doesn’t listen to me, no matter how much I try to reason with him.”
They looked over at the kid who had climbed up on a counter and was pretending to be an airplane, buzzing the clerks who tried to coax him down, to no avail.
“I think I may be able to help you,” offered the man. “I’m up on the latest in motivational therapy techniques.”
The doctor of psychology calmly walked over to the counter. Gently, he pulled him over to whisper into his ear. The boy jumped down from the counter and ran over to stand beside his mother, suddenly a model of good behavior. In wonderment, she thanked her friend and they parted.
During the unusually quiet ride home, the curious mother asked, “What did Dr. Jones say to you, sweetie, that made you want to come down and be a good little boy?”
Jimmy spoke for the first time. “He said, ‘Get the devil off that counter, you little monster, or I’ll break your miserable neck!'”
Move Over, Rover:
A rather absent-minded pastor observed an interesting sight at the reception for a couple he had just united in marriage. The new husband rose to speak.
“I have a confession to make to my bride in front of all of you. I confess, dear, that before I married you, I spent many happy hours in the arms of another man’s wife–my mother.” All present enjoyed it and the minister made a mental note to use it at the occasion of his golden wedding anniversary to be celebrated that week at his church.
The big night arrived. The fellowship hall was full of guests to honor the pastor and his wife. He rose to speak. “After fifty years of married life, my dear, I have a confession to make to you in front of all our friends. Before I married you I spent many happy hours in the arms of another man’s wife.” He paused for dramatic effect, but his wife’s look made him lose his train of thought and he finished weakly, “And for the life of me I can’t remember who she was!”
45 mph………………………God Will Take Care of You
55 mph………………………Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph………………………Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph………………………Nearer, Still Nearer
85 mph………………………This World Is Not My Home
95 mph………………………Lord, I’m Coming Home
over 100mph……………….Precious Memories
Love According To Kids
“Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.”
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Theme Songs For Bible Characters
Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, “Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?”
“Why, of course,” he replied. “He hears us every time we pray.”
She thought on this a moment, and asked, “Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?”
“Yes, dear, every word,” he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
Then his daughter asked, “Then which does God believe?”
The Pentecostal Pet
A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally spiritual pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel owned by a believer that only watched Christian TV, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with great dexterity to turn the pages to the correct passage. Amazed and impressed, they purchased the uncanny canine and went home… not ever thinking to ask about the dog’s denominational upbringing.
That night they had some friends over from their Baptist church. They were so proud of their new dog and his spiritual skills, that they called the dog to show him off. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.
“Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.” Once more they called the dog, and the man clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, slapped him soundly on the forehead with a paw, then began to run around the room knocking over chairs and barking at the top of his lungs!
Kids Are Funny People
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!” (click for more)
That’s A Good Question…
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? (Click for more…)
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new Protestant church down the road apiece, and they’ll take in just about anybody. Maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?” Father Patrick replied, “Why, didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”
Top Nursing Home Party Games
1. Sag – You’re It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Doc, Doc, Goose
6. Simon Says Something Incoherent
7. Hide and Go Sleep
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical Recliners
10. Bed Pan Bingo
Kids Today: Finding one of her students making faces at others in class, Mrs. Smith went over to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, one day it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up into her face and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”
There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!” The atheist yells back, “There is no God”. She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord”. The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she’s asked for, and of course she says “Praise the Lord”. The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha! I bought those groceries – there is no God”. The lady looks at him and smiles, remarking as she takes the bag inside, “Praise the Lord, not only did You provide for me Lord, You made Satan pay for the groceries!”
A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
Genesis 3:10: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”
A minister, having served the same church for many years with little fruit, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision, or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.
When he spoke to the congregation he said, “The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church.”
The assistant pastor immediately led the congregation in singing, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause…kids.
TWELVE- It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
FIFTEEN- When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
SIXTEEN- It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes drew a deep breath and sighed, and was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “What is this?”
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the 8:30 or the 10:40 service?”
In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery’s scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand. One day he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), “Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?”
Fr. Florian was set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. “A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original.” Fr. Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification.
After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking to the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which were opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
“What is the problem Reverend Father?” asked one of the monks. “Oh, my Lord,” sobbed the priest, “the word is ‘celebrate’!”
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the minister. The minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the minister asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and shouts, “For the love of God, haven’t you found Jesus yet?”
Gasping, the old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
It Could Be Worse:
The woman was pouring out her troubles to her pastor. “Oh, it’s awful,” she cried. “My husband won’t work, and all of our bills are six months overdue.”
“Well, look on the bright side,” said the minister wryly. “You could be one of your creditors.”
Now You Tell Me:
A deacon, driving home from church one hot and muggy Sunday afternoon, passed an older model car sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire. A young lady was struggling to get a spare out of the trunk, obviously having a difficult time. Wanting to be a “Good Samaritan,” he turned around and went back to help.
Getting out of his car and rolling up his shirt sleeves, he smiled and said, “This is no job for a woman. Let me do it for you.”
Fifteen minutes later, covered with sweat and grime, he finally got the spare on and began to take the car off the jack.
“Please take it down easy,” whispered the lady. “My husband’s taking a nap in the back seat.”
Hard To Please:
The little girl was spending the summer with her grandmother. For breakfast the first morning her grandmother gave her a glass of orange juice and a bowl of cereal with milk.
“At home,” the little girl said, “Mommy always has bacon and eggs for breakfast.”
Her grandmother, willing to break her neck to please her little granddaughter, took away the cereal, poured it down the drain, and went to work preparing a bacon and egg breakfast.
When she put it before her granddaughter, she said, “No, thank you.”
Now grandmother was getting upset, and she said, “What do you mean, ‘no thank you’? You told me your mother always has bacon and eggs for breakfast.”
“That’s what I said. Mommy has bacon and eggs, but I eat cereal.”
Thanks A Lot:
A minister was called to come to the bedside of a man who was dying. In spite of the lateness of the hour, the minister came and did what he could for the dying man. In a barely audible voice, and between hoarse hacking coughs, the man confessed his sins and asked the Lord’s forgiveness as the minister bent close to catch his words.
As he was leaving, the minister said to the man’s wife, “I was happy to come and comfort your husband the best I could. But, you’re not members of my church. Don’t you have a minister of your own faith?”
“Oh yes,” the woman said, “but we couldn’t call him out in the middle of the night and have him exposed to scarlet fever.”
It was 2:00 A.M. in the middle of a snowstorm when the plumber’s phone rang. “You’ve got to come at once,” the frantic voice on the phone said. “My water pipes have frozen and burst, and freezing water is spraying everywhere!”
“Oh, man, I’ve had a terrible night,” the plumber said groggily. “I’ve only had one hour’s sleep because my truck is stuck in a snow bank and I had to walk two miles home. But, I’ll get dressed and see what I can do. The only thing is, I don’t have any transportation. You’ll have to come and get me.”
“What?” shouted the man. “You expect me to go out in this kind of weather?”